Girlfriend wants sex with other men

[Beefjerky]

I'm not sure how to explain all this in a simple manner. I have been with my GF for 3 years and she was my first lover. I am 25 this month and she is 23. She has basically backed me into a corner and left me few options to deal with. I would like to explain some things about both of us so understanding the situation is easier.

Me:
I grew up with my own set of problems like many people. My father left my mother for another woman who had 2 kids when I was 6(brother was 2) after saying he never would because his father did the same. My mother was the type who needed a man in her life to make her feel like a woman/person and this of course came to the outcome of numberless dirtbags who left her and she being uphappy and finding another man to repeat the cycle. Through all this I had father issue and was continually hurt when these men left and betrayed the trust I had so freely given as a child. As a result of seeing my mother hurt and all that I went through I now hold absolute trust and loyalty and devotion when it comes to women that I really care about(or one woman really). Because of this I really have no desire to have sex with other women and being my personality I have high expectations of myself and people I give my trust to so expect the same. This is just to point out my own moral values to better understand the problem.

Her
She grew up with her own problems of course. Self esteem issues, being ignored by her mother, brainwashed into thinking she is worthless and can't do anything. She is not as bad now bit it still creeps up sometimes. When she was a teenager she had many male friends and unlike me grew up believeing that sex with friends is perfectly okay. It was how she coped with stress. She used men like stereotypically men use women (the whole fuck em and leave the next morning kinda thing) She had been with over 20 guys before she met me. She also belives it is not cheating if you tell your partner what you are doing and both are okay with it.

So here's the situation. We are both totally open about everything because I always have belived communication is what makes relationships work. We have talked about pretty much everything. We both really believe that this world economic crisis will get worse and worse and expect to see the world in general collaps in the next 20 years. Because of this myself, her, and her father, moved out to a very small community in the rocky mountains to become self sufficent, sorta live off the land kinda thing. Due to complications we had to move to the city because we have to make money to get a mortgage to then in turn buy out the rest of the property we were originally on. So we have been out here for LESS THAN A MONTH.

She took a job as a stripper and she likes it (I'm fine with the job too, it's just dancing there's no lap dances or anything like that) but she has already found another guy she likes a fair bit who she met at the club one night. She has made it clear that she wants to have sex with him. Apparently her reasons for this are; we have hardly spent a day apart in 3 years (she has mentiond taking a year off from each other); she feels that she is not a 1 man girl nor ever will be (i think this is due to the fact of her growing up and basically having sex with any decent looking guy that asked), she likes change and therefore can't see herself being with just 1 person for the rest of her life. I have met the guy several times and he seems like a pretty nice person, she has not told him what she wants but i'd bet my dick that he knows from how she acts. Like I said I am a 1 woman guy so this is really driving me crazy.

We talked today and basically came to the conclusion that I really only have few options. It's plain that she will do what she wants eventually seeing as we plan to be here for 2 years and it's been 3 friggen weeks.

1. Let her do what she wants and stick with it for 2 years.

2. Leave and give up my hope and dream of living out in the woods on lots of land because it will not happen any other way in my lifetime.

3. compramise. Today I agreed (although my mind changes often on this subject) that I would accept her wanting sex with other men if I could be there to watch or participate.

I have never been one for casual sex and have never had threesomes or anything like that. I just don't know how I would feel about this and I'm scared. I might be okay with it or I might freak out and not accept it. I am very open minded but something like this is straining even my limits.

I love her so much and she knows that. I sort of think the issue is that after 3 years she just thinks of me as a good friend that she has sex with frequently and is not in a mind set(and probably never will be) that she could commit to ANYONE like that.

She has also said that I can do what I want with other women. She is open to anything which makes me think she is too open. If i came home with 4 girls she would be okay with it. If i came home with 30 people for a giant orgy she would be okay with it.

It's unfair because I don't even have any desire for other women, it's like offering chocolate to someone who you know hates chocolate. I can go fuck as many girls as I want but dont want to. I just want her and I just want her to want only me.

Also to mention I am the only man that has made her cum on any regular basis and she says I am fantastic in bed. She doesn't lack anything from me. She wants to have sex with other men and doesn't even really know why herself. She has also said she doesnt want to lose me and feels bad about saying what she wants. She knows I am the only one who will live with her and her dad because our views of the world are almost the same.

Im not sure If I coverd it well enough. I would like to hear from anyone on their views, and especially those who have open relationships like this.

sorry for the post I'm so lost and confused right now

[CaptCurious]

I think that some people are monogamous minded and some people aren't... one isn't better than the other, they're just different.

It's really difficult for a mono person to be involved with a poly person and vice versa. It takes a lot of work, a lot of communication, a lot of trust, and very solid relationship.

The options you laid out:

Originally Posted by Beefjerky

1. Let her do what she wants and stick with it for 2 years.

Can you live with this? Some of the things in your post make me think that this would be very hard for you.

Originally Posted by Beefjerky

2. Leave and give up my hope and dream of living out in the woods on lots of land because it will not happen any other way in my lifetime.

How come you can't do this any other way? Could you continue to live there and not be in a romantic/sexual relationship with her?

Originally Posted by Beefjerky

3. compramise. Today I agreed (although my mind changes often on this subject) that I would accept her wanting sex with other men if I could be there to watch or participate.

Again, can you live with this? You said " She also belives it is not cheating if you tell your partner what you are doing and both are okay with it." -- This makes me think that you *do* consider it cheating even if she tells you and you agree to it... cheating is usually a bad thing.... how will this work for you?

Originally Posted by Beefjerky

I have never been one for casual sex and have never had threesomes or anything like that. I just don't know how I would feel about this and I'm scared. I might be okay with it or I might freak out and not accept it. I am very open minded but something like this is straining even my limits.

You need to figure out where you stand on this... and you need to let your gf know how you are feeling.

Do you know what you are scared of? That she'll like some other guy better? That she'll leave you? Something else? Figure out what you are afraid of and see what you can do (or both of you can do) to address those fears.

Originally Posted by Beefjerky

I love her so much and she knows that. I sort of think the issue is that after 3 years she just thinks of me as a good friend that she has sex with frequently and is not in a mind set(and probably never will be) that she could commit to ANYONE like that.

Have you discussed this with her? You need to find out if this is the case. If it is, then you need to figure out what you want to do.

Originally Posted by Beefjerky

She has also said that I can do what I want with other women. She is open to anything which makes me think she is too open. If i came home with 4 girls she would be okay with it. If i came home with 30 people for a giant orgy she would be okay with it.

Too open? Not sure what that means... too open for your values? If you don't have the same values as her, that's really difficult. Is there a number of partners you would be ok with? For you or for her? If so, that's an ok request to make.

Originally Posted by Beefjerky

It's unfair because I don't even have any desire for other women, it's like offering chocolate to someone who you know hates chocolate. I can go fuck as many girls as I want but dont want to. I just want her and I just want her to want only me.

It's a really difficult position to be in. I don't think we can control how we feel / what we want (though we can control our behavior and whether or not we act on our feelings and wants). I don't think you could force yourself to want other women and I'd guess that she probably can't force herself not to have interest in other men.

Originally Posted by Beefjerky

Also to mention I am the only man that has made her cum on any regular basis and she says I am fantastic in bed. She doesn't lack anything from me. She wants to have sex with other men and doesn't even really know why herself. She has also said she doesnt want to lose me and feels bad about saying what she wants. She knows I am the only one who will live with her and her dad because our views of the world are almost the same.

I don't think this is about you... this isn't about you doing or not doing anything. Hmm... how to put it.... I really like the Saturday Night Live, but everyone once in awhile, I flip over to MadTV. Watching MadTV doesn't mean I like SNL any less... it doesn't mean that SNL isn't funny or that I don't like watching it, it just means I want something a little different IN ADDITION TO... not instead of.

If you are with your gf because "she knows I am the only one who will live with her and her dad", then you are together for the WRONG reason.

Originally Posted by Beefjerky

sorry for the post I'm so lost and confused right now

Hang in there... it's confusing and it's scary, especially if this is something new to you. Keep communicating with your gf about how you feel. If this is something you can't handle, that's ok, be open and honest and upfront about it. If this is something your gf can't live without, then you need to seriously reconsider the relationship. Both of you deserve to be happy... both of you deserve to feel loved... both of you deserve to feel safe and happy and comfortable and fulfilled. Hopefully, you can figure out a way to make it work.

I wish I had better advice for you. I think that www.polyamory.com is a good website... maybe post on there and see what advice people have to offer you.

-CC

[Beefjerky]

Thank you for your input CC. I am thinking the poly forum will help me through this. I honestly was not aware that there was a word for this sort of thing. Seeing that it is not so uncommon as I thought in my limited perspective has actually made me start thinking.

Everything I have posted I had discussed with my GF already and we know where we each stand. I've even showed her this post and she had no disagreements with what I've said.

I think the real issue is I have been socially conditioned to be monogamous minded and am having difficulty accepting the fact that I can not change her mind. I guess she has always been like this because we have been having similar issues like this (though not as bad) 6 months after we started seeing each other. The first time this happened she was just talking to a guy on msn who live half the country away and I freaked out. We had sorted it out but I think even then she did not know why she was doing it, I had thought it was because of the stressful living situation and I was negelcting her by not giving her much attention.

Once again there is a lot of stress in our life. Not between us but just our life situation is very frustrating for us both.

Because my mother was always a very open and intelligent woman(except with men) she was very good about letting both me and my brother make our own decisions about life. For example she never pushed the idea religion or to disbelive in religion. I have always made these choices for myself my entire life. About the only thing she drilled into me was safe sex practices so I didn't make the mistakes she did (she was telling me to use condoms when the time came at about age 10). Because of this I belive I may be able to deal with and accept this in a healthy way. I love her to death and want both of us to be happy.

I am an intelligent person and very very open minded and I think if I were different this would not be possible. I think I have come to accept that there is nothing 'wrong' with her(which is what I have been thinking) or myself and that we are just 'different' in our own ways. I have also taken the first step into letting her indulge because forcing her to be miserable will just lead to her eventually doing what she wants which in turn will make me miserable.

(last minute thought) I have talked to my friends who are more close minded and they have told me to leave her and move on. In their defence they did mention that IF I can't be happy I should leave. They are not ones to judge others and believe if we are both okay with it then so be it.

If the reader is interested continue reading to hear my story of last night.

As I said she works at a strip club and had met a guy there (suprise ) . She had never worked as a stripper before and I agreed to let her try and did what I needed to do to make sure she was/is safe. I went to the interview with her and hung out at the club for the first 3 or 4 nights just so I could be there for her if she needed me. That was about 3 weeks ago. I sometimes go early to just relax and also to watch her dance (which I love).

So anyways I had actually met and talked to this guy (I'll call him C ) before this stuff came up. In all honesty It is the first time I've met someone as open minded as me and my GF and I don't fault her for liking him, even I like him. He is a really nice guy and really that is another reason why this has been difficult. She would never like a scumbag but it would have been easier to tell her no. I don't really like what he does to make money (I'm not sure If i'm allowed to say it but he grows pot, if I can't just edit my post and remove it). He's been doing it for years and is established enough that he brings in a lot of money. Money happens to be another thing I don't have a lot of and my GF sorta likes having lots of money (don't we all) but realizes it's not everything. After meeting him and my GF approaching me on the current subject I decided I could try and let her have her way but with certain conditions.

(as another note this was all made harder by the fact that I have been so worked up I've only been sleeping 4 hours a night for the last while)

I told her I needed to just talk with all 3 of us together at first. I invited him over to our house to talk and I did trust him enough to have him know where we live. We discussed what the GF wanted and of our feelings on the subject. One of my rules was that I be there to either watch or participate and the same went for me(I love her so much that I was really more botherd about her enjoying herself with another man without me, I love seeing her in ecstacy). The others were concerning sexual safety and what our relationship was to be like in public. After 3 hours of talking and discussion we decided to let my GF fool around with him while I was there. Things moved forward and she had sex with him while I watched. Although I tried to participate I couldn't with the lack of sleep, and awkwardness of the new situation. I hadn't really planned to go that far with it but it happened that way and so be it. After they were done I asked C to leave because I was emotionally distraught and needed time to think and absorb everything. I did cry that night in my GF's arms but today I realize it was just too emotionally overwhelming for me at that time. C texted and said he had a bad feeling and should not have done it and asked if we were going to be okay. C knows I am a good person and really wants me and my GF to stay together which is why he didn't go behind my back and was completely honest about everything (it's really hard to dislike someone who has so many qualties you respect in people)

I woke up today tired again but mostly because C had stayed much later then anticipated and we had an early morning. I had actually conked out faster last night then I had all week. I woke up searching my feelings wondering if how I felt about the woman sleeping beside me and what had happend had changed. It turns out that I am not really upset about last night and do not regret it. I am also happy that my feelings did not change for her and I still love her just as much as I did yesterday morning.

I think even if I am still monogamous minded to some degree I can still accept her being poly minded. After all what is real love if you can not accept the one you love for everything they are. Maybe one day I will change and want to explore other women, but for now I want to please just one.

Thank you again CC your input has helped me add some pieces of my emotional puzzle.

[Budde]

There's a line in a country song that says you have to stand for something or you'll fall for anything. This chick no matter how much you love her is handing you a line of bullshit plain and simple. Sorry for my bluntness but giving people you are supposed to be in love with ultimatums is out right crap. So what do you do when she bangs this guy and says she wants him to trade places with you, now your left there with your dock in your hand.

You have your feeling set on being monogamous and thats a worthy trait that many women would love to have in a boy friend or husband. There are plenty of people who have taken on or the others virginity and stay together for a long time and maybe even marry. So the old I think we should see other people line is a coward way of saying I'm tired of you and I want to start banging someone else and maybe find a new boyfriend. You do what you feel you need to do but someone who would treat me like that isn't worth my time of day.
Don't worry about this deal of living off the land crap with her father, we are in no way headed for Armageddon and the economy will come back, it may take a while but it will as soon as Wall Street has the confidence in the current administration to start lending money again. This is nothing new, your too young to remember when Jimmy Carter was president but things were just as bad.

Sorry to hear about your crappy child hood, plain and simple it sucks that your old man treated you that way and all the J/O boy friends your mom had did the same. but it's time to put your past behind you and look forward to the future. Your a young man with his whole life ahead of him so make the most of it live your own dream not a shared one with someone else. I bought my first house when I was 21, because I wanted it more then anything else and I busted my sorry ass to get it. I put my self through college mostly at night while wrenching on Harley's during the day and bouncing in sleezey biker bars on the weekends.
Life is there for you to take earn your piece of the pie, don't let this chick take that away from you. Tell her it's a non negotiable issue, if she still insists then pack your bags and hit the road back to where you came from and make your own fresh start. There are plenty of lady members here who will bear me out when I say a lo of women would be happy to have you and appreciate you.

[nai]

I'm with budde 110% on this one!