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#1
01-07-2005, 04:21 AM
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Posted by: dw/jw I was just wandering for the people that are out there that have had a semi open relationship such as threesome or couples sex. Have you been able to stay together. Has it hurt the relationship in any way? Do you look at your partner any different? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by: Cherry I know more than one couple who are living in an open relatinoship and doing just fine.It's admittedly not for everyone, but if you're one of those people who's open and willing to try it and work on your relationship(s), it could be a rewarding experience. They key is everyone being honest with each other, IMO. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by: Ann Larry and I have been in a committed relationship for 15 years now. For the past 4 or 5 years, we've had a very special woman that we share with one another. Unfortunately, we only get to see her once or twice a year. This special woman is the only woman that we've both done "everything" with. Before her, we fooled around with another couple, well actually, I fooled around with the other woman, kissing and fondling, while Larry and her b/f watched. I'd also fooled around with other women in the same way, but at that time, Larry had no real sexual involvement with them. So, we've fooled around with others. I wouldn't consider our relationship open, though, because we are a couple and when we do have sex with anyone else, we're always both there. We've managed to survive it all. It didn't always go smoothly, but it was the constant communication, understanding and love for one another that has kept us together. For me, it's knowing that this is a shared experience, that even though, Larry may be kissing, fondling and having intercourse with another woman, he loves me. Larry is a very caring and giving person of himself, so of course, anyone that we share such an intimate experience with is special, but that person can't break us up. No matter how wonderful this other woman is in bed, I know Larry is not going to leave me for her, because we have a special bond. We are a team and nothing can change that. He's my best friend and I am his and I am so thankful that he's been so open in helping me fulfill my fantasy of being with another woman. He could have said no, in fear of losing me to her. Those thoughts can happen, but they didn't. I believe that a relationship can survive an "open-ness" if the relationship is rock-solid out of the bedroom. If that connection isn't really there outside the bedroom, I see difficulties as a result. Did I see Larry any differently after he first had intercourse with our g/f? Right after, in a way, yes. That wasn't a bad thing though. I saw that we could both share the most intimate part of ourselves with someone else and still love each other just the same and in fact, even more. We talked about the event for weeks before and hours after when we were alone to hash through our reactions to what we just experienced. What came out of it was the two of us realizing that our relationship is strong. I have never thought bad of him because of what we've done in the past. There were times when I would have to cancel a meeting with our g/f because I had gotten my period or just wasn't in the right state of mind to do it and I had fears of letting him down and our g/f down, but we all worked it out and things were fine. I think open, honest, compassionate communication is the key. There's an article at Salon.com that may shed some light too, about Betty Dodson and her much younger boyfriend having a totally open relationship. Betty gave a female friend of hers, her b/f for her friends' birthday. Betty wasn't there, her boyfriend and her friend were intimate alone and their relationship is fine, but if you read the article you'll see that even in the most open of relationships, there are still rules and boundaries that need to be discussed and put out on the table. The open-ness part is discussed on page 4 of the article. This is the article. http://archive.salon.com/sex/feature...son/index.html I hope the link works, you may have to watch a commercial first. Also, be sure to check out my article on threesomes at my website below. I hope I haven't rambled on too much for you. If I did, I apologize. Ann -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by: 01Wench Well I'm sitting here with my husband, and our girlfriend - so I guess yes, things can still be just fine I'm with Ann on this - provided you remember your identity as a couple as well as with the third person - we have a special bond as a married couple that nothing will come between - trust me, we've been through heaps in the 8 years we've been together. We've been happily married for nearly 5 years, and doing the 'threesome' thing for about 2 of those. We've also got 2 dirt magnets - who love our girlfriend to bits. So far as the entire 'girlfriend' scenario goes - well despite the fact it wasn't planned - we couldn't be happier - she's a wonderful person, and we see her exclusively (archaic as that sounds!) and have been for 4 months now. She is happy with our situation as well, and still manages to understand our need to sometimes be just a 'couple' - although that's really difficult with screaming children Suffice to say - we were confident in our relationship and our commitment to each other as a couple before we ventured into a threesome scenario - hence we are still together. If you have issues with each other sort them out before bringing other people into your relationship/bedroom - otherwise someone is bound to get hurt. We are very lucky - and we know it - although our situation doesn't seem very common!
__________________ Get Educated Before You Get Busy!  |
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#2
01-07-2005, 04:22 AM
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Posted by: Cherry Wench, I'm glad it works so well for you, and I congratulate all 3 of you for working hard and making your relationship(s) a success. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by: Ann Wench, that is great to hear. It's so nice to hear other success stories. Shows that kind of relationship can be possible for a couple. You also made some very valid points. Our girlfriend is also such a sweetheart like yours and does understand when we need couple time. Although, unfortunately we don't get to see her that much at all. I'm trying to plan a meeting for this month, but we'll see. Sometimes our schedules just don't work out. Welcome to the boards. Ann -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by: dw/jw I have become really really turned on by the thought of us being with another couple. I told her this and she is down to work towards it. She is real shy whe n it comes to talki n g a bout her being with an other man in front of me. I wa n t to know how to get her to open up more about it. She is kinda shy or ashamed to talk about it with me. I want to fantaize with her during sex. She says it turns her on to think a bout it. But she doesn't talk much about it. I want her to open up more. We both seem to want to try this , but I dont want to ruin what we have. From a womans point of view how does it change the realtionship with the husband. Does it take away the closeness . Will she look at me different for letting her be with a nother man. I heard that it's ok if you let your woman be with a woman, but if you let her be with another man than she won't respect you as a man. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by: Cherry [qupte]I heard that it's ok if you let your woman be with a woman, but if you let her be with another man than she won't respect you as a man. [/quote] Nonsense! Gender is in no way representative of how a partner is going to respect you. It sounds to me like this girl just has a bit of a shy streak, and might be a little worried about insulting you guys. Admittedly, this is a bit of a different situation. But then again, considering this is a bit of an unconventional situation, why should you worry about conventional ideas and concepts that being with a wonam is ok, but not with another man. Check out the "Bisexuality and Monogamy" thread over in Chit Chat sometime. You'll find out for a lot of people, their ideas of sharing their partners has nothing to do with the gender of their partner or the gender of the person you share your partner with. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by: dw/jw Thanks for the reply. I want to give her every sexual fantasie that she desires. But not at the risk of us being ruined. I try to get her to talk about fantasies and such ,but she puts on this show like she is prude , but I know she isn't. Like before I told her that I wanted to see her with another man , every time it came to two men with one woman she would say how gross it was and she would never want to do that. But after I was honest with her and told this she said it turns her on to all hell. When I first met her she said she would never be with a woman, but two yrs latter she is the one who brought it up. It's like she says these things to see how I will react or something. How do I get her to be herself? I tell her I love her and these are acts we do as a couple and I would never look at her different no matter what happens because we made the decsion together. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by: 01Wench Ok here's my opinion - your gf needs to be comfortable before any action can happen, or regrets are basically guaranteed. Did you consider that perhaps you already make her happy and whilst the thought of couples sex "turns her on to all hell" that she might just want it to stay that - a fantasy? Believe me, sometimes the reality isn't all roses. She needs to resolve issues within herself first - don't begrudge her the right to do this. Maybe a nice dinner & bottle of wine, and a few home truths from both of you will help you suss the state of play out. Don't push too hard though, just in case she isn't ready and it does create a void in the relationship. In our relationship we have one main rule - honesty all the way - if you can't be honest with each other, then there's not much of a relationship. From a female perspective (relationship status aside) sometimes being told that you are loved, cherished etc isn't enough - all you can do is assure her you will respect her choice, but it would be nice to know what exactly she wants from your proposed extra-marital relationship. Bear in mind she may be thinking that she'll be jealous, or you will be - fear of losing the partner plays a big part - trust me. Good luck - it takes a strong person to allow more people into the relationship, and an even stronger one to keep the original relationship on foot. We all trip sometimes - doesn't mean you have to fall though. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by: Ann Dw/jw, Did you ever read my Threesome Guide for Couples? There's lots of important information in there that may help the two of you decide on what to do. However, my initial thought to your response just above is that if she can't admit to really wanting to do it or even talk about it, then she's probably not ready for it. It's a major step and can be very scary for a couple. I cover a lot of that in the article. I also have an article about Better Sex Through Communication that may be helpful in approaching the topic as well. However, I do have to say that Wench said it perfectly: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In our relationship we have one main rule - honesty all the way - if you can't be honest with each other, then there's not much of a relationship. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and then: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it takes a strong person to allow more people into the relationship, and an even stronger one to keep the original relationship on foot. We all trip sometimes - doesn't mean you have to fall though. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well said, BRAVO! Ann
__________________ Get Educated Before You Get Busy! |
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#3
01-19-2005, 09:27 PM
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My experience with this subject has been a relationship altering one. My husband and I have been together nearly 5 years, all of which have been sexually fulfilling. We had talked about having a threesome only a couple months prior to doing it- as more of a fantasy then as a possibility. When we had talked, it was my husband that had thought (at first) it wasn't a good idea because he felt it would ruin our relationship. I thought that because it was (in my mind) just sex, that if a problem came up we could get through together. We had briefly talked about who we would do it with- still in this fantasy stage- and the girl he named as a possibility was a close friend of his. I knew this was because he was attracted to her- because he had told me he was before. I have to admitt that I went along with this fantasy because I was becoming more and more attracted to her myself. All throughout their friendship, I had been increasingly sceptical that what they had was purely platonic. Those feelings were laid to rest (so I thought) when her and I had a conversation in which she assured me that all they had, and all she wanted was friendship- and that she considered me to be a good friend too. It was that same night that fantasy started to become a possibility. She told my husband that she was very attracted to me, much to his suprise. I was really flattered to hear that she felt that way, and in my mind I began to figure out if I wanted more to happen. I came to the conclusion that it was ok to explore that possibility, and almost gave my husband a heart-attack when I told him that I was considering the fantasy as a possibility. We talked for days about all of the aspects of the experience. I thought that we had talked through all the road blocks, and that I had prepared myself enough for seeing him be intimate with her, and for the emotions I would go through after. He talked to her about it, and about a week later the fantasy became reality, and that reality carried on for a week. I had initiated it for the first couple times, then my husband started to initiate it. We were all having fun, but then the emotion and my insecurities came back and bit me in the ass. I started to feel inadequate- and nothing my husband said or did helped. I started to feel like the 3rd wheel and I couldn't handle it. I now look back and see all the mistakes I made in not preparing well enough. My husband doesn't appear to be affected, and neither does the other participant. I see now (mostly after reading Ann's article about threesomes on her website) that there wasn't enough communication between all parties, and that I hadn't thoroughly prepared myself for all the emotions I would feel after. I realize that I relyed heavily on my husband to communicate with her- and half of which never made it back to me. I still don't know how she feels about all of this, and what her views are of the relationships between us all. That caused damage between my husband and I because I began to mistrust that what he said is what he meant and what he meant is what he said. It also caused me to turn away from having atleast a friendship with the girl. I am conflicted still with so many feelings- that because I didn't prepare for, I don't know how to deal with. This was my first experience with another girl- and I didn't think that I would like it as much as I did. I also didn't think that I would end up caring for her the way I do (as though a sort of crush formed). Now because the relationship between her and I wasn't really established or talked about, I feel really rejected. This has made me resent my husband and her friendship that is still thriving. My issues about their relationship from the past have come back and have now mixed with the feeling that it wasn't about an attraction to me at all- that it was about her attraction to my husband. That leads me to feeling used. I wish that I had made sure that my insecurities were all in check, so I wouldn't end up feeling any of that. At this point I have to do damage control, and repair the broken relationships it has caused. Anyone have any suggestions on what I can do to fix this?!?!?! I hope that sharing my experience and mistakes will give insight to anyone who is thinking about having a threesome. It really was a great experience that I enjoyed and would want to do again (if I hadn't of messed it up so badly)--- I just really want anyone considering it to make 100% sure that everyone is ready and comfortable before going through with it. It isn't just sex, especially when there is a long term/ serious relationship involved!! |
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#4
01-20-2005, 02:33 AM
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Oh my goodness Lvdrtygrl...I'm very sorry to hear about what happened. I also thank you for sharing your situation with us, your experience will be helpful to others. I think you were correct in saying that one of the problem spots was when you let your husband do the talking and/or negotiating. This is a very important stage in the planning process. Since your husband already knew her, this was a good time for you to start to get to know her and form some sort of relationship as well. I mean if it's just a one-nighter kind of thing, maybe communication with her on your half wouldn't have been as important, but since this is someone you're seeing over and over again, you need to be in the loop. Quote:
I do have a question though...Has the sexual play with this woman stopped, now that you're having these feelings? How did your husband react to them? The important thing here is that if you're, for any reason, uncomfortable with what's going all activity stops until things get settled and figured out. Right after that important thing, and I mean directly after, is that your husband has no problems with play stopping with this woman. Your relationship is extremely important, if you have any fears or concerns, whether you prepared enough or not, it's up to the two of you to work this out together without making the other feel guilty. And by that I mean feel guilty about doing it and feel guilty about stopping it. As the other woman coming into this, she should be aware that she is joining the two of you and that if there's a problem between the two of you because of this, all play is over, whether she did anything wrong or not. That's part of her shitty position which is why I stress showing her respect at the time. But, the two of you need to work this out. You also need to pinpoint exactly what your insecurities are and get them put to rest. Has communication always been open and honest between the two of you? I ask that because if you do sit him down and talk, I hope that you can absolutely believe all his reassurances. Quote:
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Oh...here's a question...sorry for all the questions...when you were playing, did she pay attention to you? Honestly look back...Now, this is not in any way, shape or form a sure fire way to determine motives, but did she actually come to you during sex or did she only go to your husband? Did you feel left out during play a lot? Like I said, I'm not saying that if any of these things were so, that she was swindling you, but it something to HONESTLY think about. However, if she paid constant attentionto you, than I'm sure there's nothing to worry about there. Either way, when unsure, don't get involved. You all had the experience together, but play should stop. Everyone should take a breather. Threesomes are a great way to spice things up every once in a while, but I know for me, I can't do it all the time. It's a wonderfully exciting addition to sex. Our g/f is a gift that we give to each other and I think I find it so precious because it doesn't happen all the time. You and your husband have to work on a sex life together, just the two of you now. Please, don't beat yourself up for what happened, emotions can run wild in a threesome. It's a great fantasy but sometimes a scary reality and we can't really know the complications until we actually do it. If you'd like to talk to the other woman and try to work things out with her as well, you certainly can. Just let her know that you did have a lot of fun with her, but this type of play really isn't for you, at least not right now. Tell her how glad you were to share this first time experience with her. Be nice, be caring, be compassionate. I mean, if you're one of the participants and you're not comfortable, no one else should even want to continue. With this kind of thing it's all or nothing. See what I mean? I wish you all best. If you have any other questions or want to answer my questions, I may be able to help you further. Hugs Ann 
__________________ Get Educated Before You Get Busy! |
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#5
01-20-2005, 06:33 AM
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I have really looked back at the whole experience, and I feel really embarrassed for myself with the way I dealt with it. I shouldn't have felt the things I did, and I shouldn't have let it come between my marriage. I realize now that all my insecurities were untrue, and that the only person it really hurt was myself. I wish that I had better handled the situation, because I really did enjoy it. I don't know that it will ever happen again because of how badly it turned out, but I would like to think I have learned from it. I hope others have as well!! Thank you so much for your help, Ann. Your articles really helped, and so did your reply! Last edited by lvdrtygrl; 01-20-2005 at 06:36 AM. |
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#6
01-20-2005, 11:53 AM
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You know what Lvdrtygrl, the most important thing is that you sorted things out in your own mind. You've realized that what you were feeling wasn't really true and wasn't something to be nervous or upset about and you came on a public message board and shared your story with us. All those things have taken a lot of courage girl!!!! I give you hand for being so open and honest with us and with yourself.  I'm glad I could be helpful. Now, don't be a stranger. Ann
__________________ Get Educated Before You Get Busy! |
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#7
07-17-2008, 01:20 AM
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Hey Ann, Reading this site has been very interesting. My boyfriend and I have been talking about having another woman for a threesome. I am interested but I no longer look like I did when I was 20 so I am a little apprehensive, I am 51. He is very reassuring about my looks and reminds me that it does not matter that much. The important thing is for me to be myself, keep an open mind and enjoy. He has been in a threesome and even though it was a long time ago he says it was very enjoyable and that his wife then really enjoyed it. I am curious about doing it, I have thought about it many times. I am a very sexual person and all I ever think about is sex, or it seems that way. We have a good sex life. I know he wants for me to enjoy the event that it is really meant for me to enjoy it. The way he puts it, he has already had sex with a woman so nothing new for him but I never have so there is something new in it for me. He wants to do it because it will be enjoyable for him but he says that if WE select the right person that it would be enjoyable for me too. It could be something we could do ocasionally. I guess at this point I would like to know how and where to find that person to do this with. I am not really sure I have any friends that would be receptive to doing this. Besides I would like to find a woman that I can get interested in, you know, and vice versa. What do you suggest? Thanks |
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#8
07-17-2008, 10:12 AM
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We incorporated a man many yrs. ago to join us as he still does.Our openness and truely great marriage gets only better.We recently entered into the relationship [bdsm] after yrs. of talking and expressing our desires[this was more my desires,I'm submissive].Our very good friends were happy to join us[she domme,he voyuer].We do have the couples sex,threesome and one on one[me&her,her and him].I melt under her touch and truely love when she has sex with my husband.We all love each other,our friendship has grown into love triangle.While her husband traveled she spent a week in our bed,which was terrific.Our marriage and love making has become greater than ever.We are very secure and know that our marriage is permant.My husband will never rush into anything without discussing the good/bad possibilites between all of us involved.It was him that kept me from making a mistake that could have put our friendship in harm.As Cherry kept telling me commuication.Exactly right
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Permantly! |
#9
07-17-2008, 11:11 AM
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As much as I believe I would really enjoy this with my wife and another friend of ours lvdrtygrl's post show the true crash & burn ramifications this sort of relationship may have. Not saying that all wind up this way but I would say it safe to speculate that it's either one extreme or the other. The best case being it's works out great and all involved are happy and the relationship is fruitful. Worse case scenario is what has happened to her and turmoil has erupted into what may lead to the end of an other wise good relationship which for her sake I hope does not happen. I think there is a lesson to be learned here when it comes to fantasies, we all need to think them through before acting on them. Just because something can happen doesn't necessarily mean we should allow it to happen. A lot of thought and wide open communication needs to take place. Don't be afraid to air your thoughts on what possibly could go wrong. Better to clear the air of all foreseeable possibilities before we leap. Once we do we can never go back.
__________________ If it feels good do it! and if doesn't feel good your probably doing it wrong |
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#10
07-24-2008, 03:59 AM
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my husband and I had a threesome, and I had my insecurities afterwards (I have a thread on here about it), but we talked it through, and it's not an issue now, we are still friends with the girl as well. We haven't had anymore though, it's been over a year ago, we talk about it, and it has led to some great-GREAT sex. I was bound and determined I was not going to lose my marriage or my friendship over it. |
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