I need advice

My wife (39) and I (37) have been married for 5 years now and have a 13 month old daughter. I know there is supposed to be a recuperating period after childbirth, but I'm thinking 13 months is well beyond the normal recuperation period. We've tried intercourse a handful of times (I'm thinking exactly 5 times) and even with a lot of lube, she experiences a LOT of pain after the first few inches have been inserted. As a result, my wife was not eager to initiate sex and my advances were continually being turned down. Over the last year, to her credit, I have received a few blow/hand jobs (less than ten). At first ths caused me distress as it seems many men feel. However, this has morphed into something bad. I must first add that my daughter still sleeps with us to make breastfeeding at night easier, and my wife intends to let her continue to do so until she voluntarily asks to sleep in her own bed. My wife goes to bed with her every night at 7:30 and they are both normally asleep when I leave for work in the morning. I have since stopped thinking of my wife in a sexual manner. She doesn't dress up for me, we don't flirt any more, and my previously active sex drive is non existant. I feel guilty looking at other women around town and online. I used to really enjoy porn and now the thought of watching it makes my want to cry. I've thought about cheating on her just to try and get some play or to reinforce my crushed ego.

I'm a guy who used to be realy fun and kinky in bed and now I hate even thinking about sex. What do I do?

HELP!

[browneyed girl]

It sounds like you need to sit her down and have a serious talk with her, about how you feel.
Did you say your child is 13 months old, and she`s still breast feeding?
You both should nip the kid sleeping between you two in the bud, because it won`t get any easier, as this child grows.
Maybe you can plan a dinner night with her, and find a babysitter.
Talk to her then about it.

I have learned over the years, that when a couple decides to have children, they need to work extra hard on keeping in touch with each other. Its so easy to revolve your life around the new child, but you must also remember your SO.

I have a 13 month-old also. We made the decision to have him sleep in his crib, and he has been sleeping through the night since he was 3 months old. I also breastfed, but my doctor advised me not to feed him during the night if he happened to wake up, because babies need to learn to self-soothe and fall asleep by themselves.

You should talk to your wife about this, in a non-accusing way. She needs to make your relationship a priority. It's really hard to balance a marriage relationship with caring for a baby.

[Ann Andriani]

Hi Dave!

I see you've already received some great thoughts from others. One of the questions you have...should our baby still be sleeping in our bed is difficult to answer. There are experts that say it's a personal decision and there are others that say, "no way!". However, I'm not experienced with babies or upbringing and this isn't really the best place to get information on that.

What we can help you with is the sex issue, or the no sex issue. It does sound like having the baby in your bed is causing things to not happen. Your wife goes to bed early and with the baby in your bed, you're not feeling too frisky, I don't blame you.

Browneyed is correct in saying...

I have learned over the years, that when a couple decides to have children, they need to work extra hard on keeping in touch with each other. Its so easy to revolve your life around the new child, but you must also remember your SO.

I think the important lesson here is that sex is rarely spontaneous at this point. Browneyed was also spot in saying...

Maybe you can plan a dinner night with her

Yep, sex most definitely has to be planned now. But you would both have more of a chance for a healthy sex life, if the baby did sleep in her own crib.

There could also be the situation in which your wife has been with this child day and night that she doesn't really know how to be that sexy, lover, wife person. Some women get so caught up in being a Mom and doing baby things that they lose touch with their other role. Because they lose touch with it, they ignore it and sex goes down the tubes.

You said...

We've tried intercourse a handful of times (I'm thinking exactly 5 times) and even with a lot of lube, she experiences a LOT of pain after the first few inches have been inserted.

Have you made it clear that intercourse isn't always necessary? That oral, manual and even mutual masturbation can be nights of great sex as well? Do you actually feel that way? As far as the kind of pain she experiences, she should consult with her doctor to make sure everything is okay.

How is your relationship generally since the birth of your daughter? Are you both getting along? Are the little things frustrating you both? Sometimes difficulties outside the bedroom cause a woman to rarely be in the mood.

I don't think you'll be able to approach this issue from a sex point of view. I think the first thing is to do some research and gather information on baby sleeping in bed with parents. Get the good, the bad, they why to's and the why not's. Then sit down with your wife and talk about this. If she insists on baby in bed, then wait. Approach the sex life at a separate time. Try to plan a date night...get a sitter and see how the night progresses. Then talk to her about your concerns. Let her know that you love her and want to be with her and you're afraid that she's not attractive to you and doesn't desire you anymore. Don't be afraid to show your more vulnerable side during this discussion. But certainly don't point fingers and place blame because no one is really to blame. Your sex drives aren't in sync and you both have to work together to understand exactly where the other is that so that you can make decisions, compromises in order to help your relationship.

If you have any more questions or information to share, don't hesitate to do so.

Ann