Found his toy.

Hi all, kinda new here so I hope this post is in the right area.

Well my partner and I(Female) have been together for almost 4 years now, and in the past 4-6 months it's been a bit rocky in places, mainly in the bedroom. My partner doesn't appear to have a high sex drive and it's always me who initiates sex.

I discovered yesterday, after searching for a piece of clothing, (No I wasn't snooping) that in his bedside draw was a fleshlight, from what I could see. Although it's a very cheap one. It's not one of those realistic ones. It's a bright pink tube like shape, with 'lips' at one end and an embossed texture inside.

Now I'm all up for sex toys, he bought me a rabbit so we could use it together etc. But what I can't understand is, why he hasn't told me about this, or why he's never shown me while we're getting intimate and saying he wants to try it?

Because he 'appears' to have a low sex drive, I get very tiresome of asking constantly, for sex. So I admit I do use my rabbit when I'm alone, and he knows this.

So I honestly can't figure out why he never asks/makes a move for sex, or doesn't seem generally interested, and then has a toy that he uses himself... I personally wouldn't use my rabbit if I had the sex I wanted, but yeah I know there can be complications like him stressing over work, and I know not to ask. (As one example)

Thoughts run through my head like: Is he bored of having sex with me? Does he not find me attractive anymore? Does he find this toy more pleasurable than me? etc etc.

And why do I feel so defensive about this? Honestly guys, please tell me, in your opinion why I feel this way.

I don't even know if I should confront him about this either.. or how I should...

What do you think?

Thank you, in advanced for any advice or comments.

Trinny.

[browneyed girl]

I think you would feel better if you confronted him about it. You don`t have to be accusing or suggest to him that this toy is the reason he doesn`t want sex with you anymore, but just casually say," Hey.... I found something the other day. When was you gonna tell me about it? Maybe in a nice voice, ask him if he has used it, and if he likes it?

[Ann Andriani]

Originally Posted by Trinny

Hi all, kinda new here so I hope this post is in the right area.

Hello Trinny, welcome to ASA. I hope we can help you out a bit.

Now I'm all up for sex toys, he bought me a rabbit so we could use it together etc. But what I can't understand is, why he hasn't told me about this, or why he's never shown me while we're getting intimate and saying he wants to try it?

He could be afraid to show you. I think it's generally more accepted that women use sex toys. I think there's still a bit of stigma about men using toys. So maybe he's afraid of your reaction. He has it hidden so he most likely doesn't want anyone to know about it and that may included you as well.

Because he 'appears' to have a low sex drive, I get very tiresome of asking constantly, for sex. So I admit I do use my rabbit when I'm alone, and he knows this.

Just trying to show a different perspective...for some guys, knowing their partner uses a sex toy when they're not around is a form of security. If the toy satisfies the partner, they won't go looking to another man for sex. I'm not claiming this is a good way of thinking, just sharing a belief that's out there. Some guys also find it very arousing to know that their partner is so comfortable with her sexuality that she will masturbate with a toy, or masturbate at all. But again, he may not think you'll find it arousing that he uses a toy...he may think that because of your current sex life, you'll react like you are...

Thoughts run through my head like: Is he bored of having sex with me? Does he not find me attractive anymore? Does he find this toy more pleasurable than me? etc etc.

I'm not saying your reaction is wrong. But when it comes to matters of sex, it's easy to get very caught up in insecurities, especially when your relationship has been experiencing problems sexually. I just hope to show that the thoughts your having may not be true at all.

And why do I feel so defensive about this? Honestly guys, please tell me, in your opinion why I feel this way.

I can understand...you want to have more sex and lately your partner has seemed uninterested, then you find a sex toy that you never knew about. It's easy to jump to a whole lot of negative conclusions. The thing is, it may not mean he doesn't want you anymore. This toy doesn't mean there's a problem with you at all.

Just because he has the toy doesn't mean he's using it constantly. Having the toy isn't necessarily the reason why he's not interested in sex. One thing is true...many men masturbate...a lot. Whether they're having sex with a partner or not. Masturbation doesn't normally make one not want to have sex with their partner. Many times masturbation makes one more willing. It keeps those sexual juices flowing. Sometimes men masturbate to relieve stress. It's a very quick thing that helps them to relax. So the toy doesn't mean that he doesn't want you anymore.

Sex can be so complicated. If he's been under stress for a while, that could definitely do it. Some people fall into a rut and once their desire slows down, they're not sure how to get it back. Luckily, your sex drive is still up there. You're the one that will keep things going while he finds his way.

How do you feel about your toy? You enjoy it with him and without him, but does using your toy mean you no longer want him? Just because he didn't tell you about the toy doesn't mean his thoughts about it are different than your thoughts about your toy. Plus, you can't be sure how long he's had it. Maybe it's something he's had for a long time, even when your sex life was satisfying. Maybe it's something new that he's thinking of introducing into your sex life, maybe he's just waiting for the right time or for things to get better. I can't say for sure, so I'm just posing ideas.

I think that deep down you're upset because you didn't know he had the toy. You're upset because he hasn't shared that with you. All this is magnified because you already feel like he's distanced himself from you a bit when it comes to sex. So your current situation is making this seem much worse than it may be. I talk from experience. I'm very emotional and boy can mind take me from one disastrous outcome to another and most of the time, my panicked theories are wrong.

I don't even know if I should confront him about this either.. or how I should...

This is difficult to comment on because I don't how well the two of you communicate about sex. If you can communicate, you should be discussing his low sex drive and how that's affecting the relationship and how the two of you can make more time for sex. A lot of couples plan a date night. That way, each person knows when it's going to happen, so all involved can get their shit accomplished before then so that stress isn't so much of a factor. That would be the first thing to discuss, but not in a way that you want it and he doesn't give it anymore. No finger pointing, it always leads to trouble. Ask from a concerned point of view, that you want to help if you can and the discussion should go better.

Then, the toy issue could come up. In fact, you can bring it up in a positive light, telling him that you discovered it and would love to use it on him one night. Larry has several of these toys and they're a lot fun to incorporate into partner sex. So by approaching it with a positive attitude, you're avoiding an uncomfortable situation for you and a possible embarrassing one for him.

I hope that something I said has been comforting enough to help you decide what actions you want to take next.

Ann

[Budde]

Well in my O/P your question should not be why does he have or why is he using s ex toy but rather why isn't he interested in having sex with you? There's only one person who can answer that and it's no one on this message board. having personal sex toys is no big deal. Every guy in the world jerks off (Well the one's that don't have serious stress related issues) so using a toy to change things up a bit is not out of the ordinary.
Good communication is the key in any relationship weather the topic is sex or just plain old every day stuff. I personally would not bring up his toy. For one it may embarrass him and it may also put him on the defensive. As much as you say you weren't snooping he might not believe you and all you'll succeed in doing is to be backing him into a corner.

You'll have to ask all the questions such as is it me? do you not find me attractive anymore etc. but you need to be prepared that the answer(s) you get may not be a very pleasant one. Then again it maybe just what you need to unlock what ever it is thats holding things back between you two.

[browneyed girl]

You could take your toy over there, and tell him to get his toy out.
Tell him......"ITS PLAYTIME!"

[pervo]

It may be that he is simply bored. When you two are together do you do the same thing, or maybe the same level of kinkiness? It may be that he want to try other things but thinks you may reject him or think of him as a pervert for wanting to do those things or you have already let him know (through words, hints or actions) that you don't want to do those things that he wants to do. But his fleshlight doesn't reject him, and he can have whatever fantasies he wants to have without fear of rejection.

It could simply be that he wants to do more with you but is afraid to bring it up. So when you initiate sex all he is thinking is it's the same old thing, and while it's still sex (which is fun), it's the same sex. The same old sex has appeal, but not enough to get him going without help. Remember guys tend to be very visual, so when you try to get things going he can't see it going anywhere but the same thing. If you ate the same thing everyday, say spaghetti, you would get bored. It's still spaghetti and it doesn't taste any worse than it did before, but it's the same thing every day so there is no anticipation of what to come. BUT if you were to change it up. Instead of spaghetti noodles use penne or macaronni, change the sauce a bit, use cheese or alfredo instead of the same old tomato paste. You still end up eating pasta everyday.......but it ranges from spaghetti to mac-n-cheese, the differences keep it interesting.

I could be way off, but from personal experience this could be one of many answers to your dilema. Just remember, it's not that he finds you less attractive he just wants to add some cheese into the pasta.

Originally Posted by Trinny

Hi all, kinda new here so I hope this post is in the right area.

Well my partner and I(Female) have been together for almost 4 years now, and in the past 4-6 months it's been a bit rocky in places, mainly in the bedroom. My partner doesn't appear to have a high sex drive and it's always me who initiates sex.

I discovered yesterday, after searching for a piece of clothing, (No I wasn't snooping) that in his bedside draw was a fleshlight, from what I could see. Although it's a very cheap one. It's not one of those realistic ones. It's a bright pink tube like shape, with 'lips' at one end and an embossed texture inside.

Now I'm all up for sex toys, he bought me a rabbit so we could use it together etc. But what I can't understand is, why he hasn't told me about this, or why he's never shown me while we're getting intimate and saying he wants to try it?

Because he 'appears' to have a low sex drive, I get very tiresome of asking constantly, for sex. So I admit I do use my rabbit when I'm alone, and he knows this.

So I honestly can't figure out why he never asks/makes a move for sex, or doesn't seem generally interested, and then has a toy that he uses himself... I personally wouldn't use my rabbit if I had the sex I wanted, but yeah I know there can be complications like him stressing over work, and I know not to ask. (As one example)

Thoughts run through my head like: Is he bored of having sex with me? Does he not find me attractive anymore? Does he find this toy more pleasurable than me? etc etc.

And why do I feel so defensive about this? Honestly guys, please tell me, in your opinion why I feel this way.

I don't even know if I should confront him about this either.. or how I should...

What do you think?

Thank you, in advanced for any advice or comments.

Trinny.

As a general rule of thumb, I opt for honesty. Sometimes, the truth itself might not smell like a bed of roses; but this doesn't change that fact that it is still the truth.

Further, in any relationship, honesty must be forefront and utmost for its survival. Love is not perfect and is unconditional.

He has a right to know how you feel. You have a right to express how you feel. So do it.

One more thing. No one but you can tell you how you really feel about something.

Take a little private time and ask yourself some questions and answer honestly. Take all the time you need to think about it. Pay attention to your intuitions as well. These can also be signs to you about you true feelings about an issue.