Sticky Situation

[LostSerenity]

I have a complicated problem, and I don't know how to handle it. Sorry if it's hard to understand.

For some time now my boyfriend has had it in his head that I want to sleep with another man. We've been dating for almost 9 months now and he's the only person I've had intercourse with. Which I'm fine with, because I think we have pretty good sex and I've never been unsatisfied. But for the past 4 months from time to time he keeps mentioning that he thinks I want/need more experience.

Today I started a discussion about the possibilty of a threesome. It's just a curiousity for me at this point and I don't know if I would ever actually do it. But when I brought the subject up with him he told me he's thought about it too. After our discussion was over he told me that he lied to get the truth out of me and see how badly I wanted to have a threesome. I was pissed at being tricked because he knows how much I hate being lied too. But anyway my point in the conversation was about a curiousity in experiencing something new with him. But to him he now thinks that I'm unsatisfied with him sexually.

Now my problem is that he wants me to sleep with someone else to "get it out of my system" which is something I don't think I want to do. He gave me permission to hookup with other guys for a month no repercussions. Can anybody give me any advice as to how I can convince him that he does satisfy me? Should I just do it so he will get over his worries? Or would that inturn just make him worry that I want to be with another man. I really don't know how to handle this situation.

[LostSerenity]

Also does anyone have any advice for how I can get him to stop deceiving me? I would've been honest with him no matter what his answer was. I'm a firm believer that honesty is necessary for trust in a relationship. For some reason he thinks he has to trick me to get an honest answer out of me, which implies he doesn't trust me to be truthful with him. And now I can't trust him to always be honest with me...

[Ann Andriani]

Lost,

I'm really sorry to hear about this. If I were you, I wouldn't sleep with another man for several reasons. First off, if it's something that your b/f is upset about you doing in the first place, he'll never be okay with it, no matter how much he tells you he is.

Second, he thinks you're having sex with another man because you're not satisfied with him. So he'll always see it as some sort of inadequacy that he had or something that you were unsatisfied with, meaning there will be resentment in the future.

Third, he's lying to you because he doesn't trust that you'll be honest with him because HE has poor self-esteem. This relationship is not stable, nor is it happy right now, so you should NEVER include another person in sex when things aren't stable.

And fourth, while you have a curious side and there's nothing wrong with that, this is not something you need to do in order to be happy. I believe you said it above that you're satisfied with your sex life with this guy. It's just unfortunate that he doesn't believe you. So there's plenty of reasons to NOT go through with this, if you want to try to continue to have a relationship with your current b/f.

You're absolutely right, honesty and trust is important in a relationship. What your b/f did was rather malicious and uncalled for. So this situation is tricky because you opened up to him and told him the truth, but he can't really handle it and wanted to pin you to something by lying to you about his feelings on it first. That was wrong, plain and simple wrong, especially if you've been open and honest with him from the start.

Thing is, it's not your responsibility to fix your b/f's self esteem. Yes, our partners can do wonders to help us feel loved, sexy and better about ourselves but the true growth comes internally and there's only so much you can do. You need to let him know that what he did was unacceptable and that, frankly, he needs to work things out in his own mind. The only thing you can do is be loving, affectionate and compassionate towards him, but if he doesn't believe you, what are you supposed to do? The fact that you're curious about sex with another doesn't mean point blank you're unhappy with him. It's natural to be curious.

If I were you, I'd explore why he doesn't trust your feelings for him. Inquire seriously and tell him you need to know so you can make changes as well. Maybe you said or did something at some point that you don't remember and maybe that has stuck with him. But tell him, the only way you two can work on this, is if he opens up to you. Without that, you're in the dark and it's not fair. How can you help to fix something he won't tell you about.

Hopefully he opens up and from what you learn, you'll have to decide if this relationship is worth working on or if it's better to walk away.

If you have any other questions or can provide any other info, don't hesitate.

Ann

[Budde]

Ask yourself this question, do you really want to be with someone who lies to you and doesn't trust you? Your right to be mad as a relationship is based on trust for one thing and communication for another. He asked or told you that you need to have more experience (paraphrasing here) and you said you were fine with it so he should have dropped it right then and there. Your curiosity was only natural prompted by his constantly bringing up of the situation. What you did is basic human nature. A professor I had in college made this point very real by tell the class right after we were seated one day, now what ever you do, no matter what happens, if you do nothing else today I don't want you to think about Giraffes. Everyone was like what the hell is this guy smoking. He continued on with is class. In the middle of the class he stopped what he was doing and looked one kid right in the eye and said now answer me honestly what have you been thinking about? The kids answers ah Giraffes. That was because it was so emphasized on him not to do it that he couldn't help but do it. Now this may sound like a bunch of phycological mumbo jumbo which it is but knowingly or not your boyfriend planted the seed in your head.
If YOU want to sleep with another man or several other men to gain experience or even if just for the hell of it then thats your decision and not his to make. Sorry to sound a bit preachy but the shear audacity of him to give you permission with no strings attached? Come on who is he kidding, judging by his past behavior do you think it's possible he would some day hold it over your head some how?
Take some time to evaluate your relationship and if you choose to stay in it sit him down and put it straight to him. No I don't want this or that and no more head games plain and simple. That's just plain not right.

[bamachick]

If you feel tricked now, if you actually do something... boy oh boy...

yeah I wouldn't do anything, first off because you said that you was just thinking about it... only on impulse basically because of him thinking about it. Him coming to the conclusion that you are dissatisfied with him sexually, based on the fact that you've only been with him, I'm sorry but that's baloney (there's plenty of people who's happy with a low number of sexual partners, I'm one of them~less to worry about). If he actually admitted that he just wanted to bring all this up to make you admit it... he's just dealing with some insecurities of his own, and he should try his best to keep his relationship with you and his insecurities on two different sides, all it's going to do is make you feel like crap when he throws another curve ball and says this was just another test to see just how far you would go, and once you actually do something you can't take it back, you can only hope and wish that things will get back to where it was. Good luck!

[LostSerenity]

First of all thank you everyone, your advice was very insightful.

I did get a chance to talk to my boyfriend about it a couple of days ago. He has a lot of insecurities that need to be worked on, which hopefully we can work through together. He said he's worried that something bad will happen because he's afraid things are too good to be true. But I told him that I have no interest in sleeping with another man, with or without his "permission." Hopefully that will be the end of the discussion. I've also closed the door on the threesome possibility because like Ann said, it's not a good idea in an unstable relationship. I wasn't even completely sure it was something I wanted to actually act out anyway lol. But thanks again guys