I caught him Masturbating

[joannenicole]

First off, I have nothing against masturbation - infact, I embrace it. I love masturbating, and I do it several times per week - sometimes with porn, sometimes just my imagination - in addition to the sex that I have with my boyfriend. He knows I masturbate, and on occasion likes to watch. But in the entire 4 years we've been together I have NEVER seen him masturbate. I've brought it up before and asked why he doesn't (if I didn't, I think I'd explode). I think that it's a perfectly healthy part of a sexual relationship. He's responded that it doesn't really do much for him and he'd rather just have sex with me.

The past two days he's stayed home sick from work, even though he didn't really seem sick to me. Today, I got home about 15 minutes earlier than I normally do, and as I walked in the door, I saw him sitting at his computer desk, and quickly pull a blanket over his lap...his pants were around his ankles. I was a little confused and didn't know what to say, so I pretended I didn't notice and left to room, I took a little longer than necessary to put my things away before coming back out, to give him time to compose himself.

I honestly don't know what to say. Why now, all of a sudden? If it were porn that I'd caught him masturbating to, I think I'd be less worried, but I distinctly saw him close a chat window when I came in. That means he was talking to someone real, not just watching random nameless people go at it. I'm all for him starting to masturbate...but not for another woman, and not hiding it from me. I guess my biggest concern is that he's not attracted to me anymore. I had a baby about 6 months ago, and my body is definitely not the same as it was before. We're getting married in 5 months. We've always had really amazing sex, but what if now that we've had a baby and we're getting married, he's not interested in me that way anymore? Do I say something to him about this, or am I completely over analysing the whole thing?

[Budde]

Let it go. I would say your starting to work yourself into a frenzy. You've said masturbating is no big deal to you so? If you have proof that something else is going on then consider your options. My wife has walked in on me masturbating several times. Like you we have a great sex life but also having a young child sex isn't always an option. She would usually watch me until I'm finish or give me a hand, literally. Maybe you should have gone over to him and helped him finish the job. Well you both know what happened and if he wants to say something about it he will. If you walk in on him or catch him doing it again or more then another time then there is a problem.

[Cherry]

Well, masturbating to porn is one thing. Masturbating to someone he's talking to online seems to me to be in that gray area that could be construed as cheating. I think it's time to have a talk with him and let him know that while you're fine with him masturbating, you're NOT ok with him masturbating during a chat withsomeone he met online isn't something that makes you happy. Quite honestly, if this is something you don't like, you need to make suyre he understands this BEFORE you marry him,. not something that he keeps doing, thinking you won't care until you get too tired of it AFTER you marry him.

To me, simply the fact that he quickly closed the chat window and pulled a blanket over himself tells me he feels what he did wasn't right by you. Have an open, calm, nonaccusatory conversation with him. Let him know you saw him pull the blanket to hide his pants-less state AND close a window. Tell him you think you know what was going on, and tell him that if that WAS what was happening, you don't want that to happen again. Tell him you're not accusing him of anything, but just feel you need to make sure he KNOWS how you feel about the subject before you guys get married. And really, this thread ISN'T about masturbating. It's about honesty and respect within a relationship. Him being so secretive sends up bad signals to me.

Really what's best, in MY eyes anyhow, is just t6o make sure he knows where YOUR thoughts lay on this topic sdo there aren't issues that enter your marriage later on. I mean, really, if this is something that bothers you NOW, down the road, it could very well be an issue that makes you unwilling to stay married to him. Righ5t now, about the only real LEGAL tie you two have is a joint lease. It's easy enough to solve that. Dowmn the road, once married, it's a lot harder and a lot more expensive. And if there are children involved by that time? That makes everything a lot MORE expesive and complex.

Now, please, don't think I'm saying this relationship is doomed. Quite honestly, I don't. I just think that if this gets swept under the rug and it bothers you so deeply, and you try and ignore it, resentment could very well build up, and if he doesn't KNOW you're feeling this way, he's not likely to STOP doing it.

[tazz316]

I'm sorry sweety, I know that feels, I feel bad that you had to have seen that.