Wrong 4 married one 2 fantasize about someone accessible?

[CoJon]

This weekend, my wife and I went on a day rafting trip along the Rogue River with my I'd like sister-in-law and her boyfriend. During the first half of our trip we paid for a tour guide to coach us on how to row; after that we decided to go on alone. About halfway through the guided portion of our tour, a raft equal in size to ours began passing us, and a young, tan woman with dark, tight braids, half in dreadlocks and half woven inside of long white beads, kindly but authoritatively spoke orders to her slightly overweight family of passengers. At one point, our tour guide timidly urged us to row, saying he wanted to keep up with the "Rasta girl". All the men on the raft laughed. Afterward, I noticed Jason, my sister-in-law's boyfriend, looking in her direction, too, each time we got close. At one point we were again near enough to see her face again, and she suddenly turned and showed a very white-toothed smile against that very tan skin in my direction. Once we had all reached our final pick-up destination, she gave me another equally sexy smile as I stepped onto our (separate) van to ride back to our own vehicles.

It was probably the combined effect of the sun, the exotic locale, and the sexy, fantasizing mood I was in that made this nubile, dark female seem like the sum total of my lifetime fantasies. Still I find it irresistable to once more picture that sexy, young, tan rafting guide and imagine what she might be like to know more intimately. And each time I think to myself: I'm married; I shouldn't risk having such fantasies--and the foolish thoughts or consequences this might lead to--about some young girl I saw for a few brief moments.

What do you think?

[PurpleBerry]

I may not be the most qualified person to respond to a question such as this; I'm young, and have never been married; but I have been with my current and only partner for four years now, and I have during those years fantasized about others.

For me, I think the main reason is that as my first relationship will, I believe, lead to marriage (I cannot conceivably see us breaking up) I am naturally curious about what it would be like to be intimately involved with another person. I never got the chance to "play the field". My boyfriend and I got together in high school - I'd never even really kissed a boy before him.

In my final year of high school, when out partying with my friends, I would get quite jealous of how they could "hook up" with hot guys at the clubs we went to. They would all pair off with someone for the night and spend their time tongue wrestling before it was time to go home (at least I was never left to make my way home alone; my friends romantic liaisons rarely left the club), whereas I would spend my night trying to shrug off all the advances I got. Sometimes it was hard; I blossomed rather late, and the only guys I really knew I had known since primary school, so none of them looked at me "like that", so the attention that I was suddenly receiving a lot of was very flattering.

More recently, I found myself fantasizing about my boyfriends flatmate. My boyfriend is shorter than me, of rather slight build and a quiet guy. His flatmate is tall, athletic, and one of those social people that are very easy to get along with. When he was around, I felt resentful of my boyfriends lack of height and muscle. I wished we went out and socialized. I had girlie daydreams of his flatmate wrapping his strong arms around me and whisking me away to more exciting place.

But it was never more than a fantasy. This guy may have been slightly more appealing to me in a physical way, but we never would have got along. He told a few funny jokes, but my boyfriends sense of humour appeals to me more. He may have been the stronger of the two, but my boyfriend looks after me in so many other ways. I cannot imagine my life without him.

I apologize if I've rambled too much of my life story, but the point I'm trying to make is that all these fantasies I've had of being with another are just that: FANTASIES. I still fantasize, about both men and women. Not just sexually, I imagine the lives I would lead with them. And I file all these daydreams away in the fiction section. I have a vivid imagination and for me, these daydreams are all I need to satisfy my curiosity. One day I plan to become a writer, and I'll probably live out some of my favorite fantasies on paper. The only time an adulterous fantasy becomes wrong, is when you try to make it real.

I enjoy my fantasies; I don't act on them.

[Hunny Bunny]

I don't think it's wrong to fantasize about what it might be like to spend a night with someone other than your SO. I've only been with Gooch for 7 months now, and I've had those thoughts a couple times, even though we are at that stage of the relationship where we shouldn't be able to keep our eyes, and hands, off each other.

Case in point, there is this guy who makes deliveries to the store that I work at who looks to me like he should be on the cover of a romance novel. He's about 6 feet tall, tanned, jet black hair, light blue eyes, and obviously works out. The other girls I work with have said that he could bend them over a crate in the storeroom any time, and I would be lying if I said I haven't daydreamed about him doing it to me.

I don't feel guilty because I know it's just a passing fancy, and I would never risk what I have with Gooch just to have some crazy fling with someone I don't really know. I know he wouldn't either. I think it's totally human to let your eyes wander every now and then, it's when you can bring yourself to act on those impulses that you have a problem.

[Cherry]

A fantasy is a fantasy. So long as it's not something you're obsessing over or planning on acting out, it's not a big deal.

[CoJon]

Thanks, all, for chiming in.

I think that's what I needed to hear. Amy's and my first night on our romantic weekend was great--I'd even venture to say perfect--but it ended less romantically than we both had hoped (mind you, it wasn't all that bad; we took a fun rafting trip with Amy's sister and her boyfriend, but we didn't manage to have sex other than that first night, and we didn't fully accomplish a single thing on either of our personal lists of romantic things we'd like to do together), so I felt like a failure in our relationship yet again. And I'd begun wondering if I'm going through a mid-life crisis at 40, or, worse, if my marriage to Amy is doomed to end in divorce.

I'm relieved to know that you all believe it's OK to indulge in a rich fantasy life now and then. (I don't know where I heard the phrase "rich fantasy life," but I've always liked it, and I think it applies fairly well in the case of having sexual fantasies just as it applies to simply having a rich, yet not necessarily x-rated, imagination.)

Thanks again!

Jon

[CoJon]

Originally Posted by CoJon

Amy's and my first night on our romantic weekend was great--I'd even venture to say perfect--but it ended less romantically than we both had hoped (mind you, it wasn't all that bad; we took a fun rafting trip with Amy's sister and her boyfriend, but we didn't manage to have sex other than that first night, and we didn't fully accomplish a single thing on either of our personal lists of romantic things we'd like to do together...*), so I felt like a failure in our relationship yet again.

I'd like to add this where I placed the asterisk:

* We talked about them alot, especially about my idea of role-playing a kidnapper and his victim, we just didn't manage to complete any of the activities we eagerly talked about.

[watershadow]

In your defense, CoJ, it's a bit hard to do naughty-fun adventures when you have PEOPLE with you, unless that was part of the fantasy. Still, while I don't approve of fantasies taking the place of people, I don't see a thing wrong with fantasizing in general as long as a person respects the boundaries of the relationship. Food for thought.

Hope that helps!

[Twinkie]

just cause a cheeseburger looks good doesn't mean you're gonna eat it :P and everyone else thats a cheeseburger lover will agree that it looks good. I would consider it natural to be attractive sexually to another person. now when you start picturing them instead of your partner during intercourse....then theres a problem lol

thats my opinion :P

[CoJon]

Thanks, Twinkie.

I like the way you put it. That doesn't sound bad at all. After all, I'm a vegetarian (although not "by the book"), but I still love the smell of a freshly-cooked cheeseburger...and I really don't know anybody who doesn't!--yet I can draw the line at that. As much as I enjoy the smell, I don't think I'll eat another cheeseburger before I die. Veggies--and a few fish--are my substitutes.

I wouldn't call Amy a "substitute" for a passing sexy fancy, of course, but I can confidently say that I can draw the line at looking at someone desirable and letting my thoughts stray a little, not my body.

CJon

[Fifi81]

When I was single, I used to have these wild fantasies about being with people who I knew I couldn't have. And the fantasies were hot hot hot and helped me through many a lonely night with myself. When I met my fiance my fantasies started to quieten down. I do still have them, but not as frequently as I used to. I think they are harmless as long as you don't act out on them. But if you find yourself becoming obsessed with the object of your fantasy then you need help.