how do you make family understand?

[slinkster]

my family is pushing me to have one exclusive boyfriend and they treat me very strangly when i see multiple guys at once like i'm doing something wrong, i realise lots of people dont understand the concept of having feelings for more then one person or even feeling stable enough to consider letting your partner sleep with and date someone else and not worry.

how do you get people to accept you the way you are? without expecting you to conform to their ideals of relationships, i really cant stand them treating me indifferently because i dont want to see just one person.

can anyone help and offer me guidance?

many thanks x x x

[Mark & Lin]

Hello Slinkster,

I don't think I've ever discussed family in the context of the swing lifestyle. In our case, our families know nothing of our sex life, the lifestyle, or our participation in it. Sex just isn't a topic of discussion between us and our families. Of course we're older (I'm 47 and Lin is 56,) so that's probably the reason.

I don't know how old you are, Slinkster, but I'm going to guess pretty young. It's natural for parents to pressure a young adult into "settling down and starting a family," with someone they approve of. That's a fight that's been going on since the dawn of man, and has been responsible for wars, conquests, the overthrows of Kings and governments, and has radically changed the political face of at least 3 continents. Believe me when I say that nothing I or anybody else on this forum can say will ever change that fact - if we could, we'd have the Nobel Prize on our bookshelves, and the love and adoration of millions.

You're not going to like this, but about all you can do is keep your love life, sex life, and social life to yourself. I don't mean that you should be dishonest with your family. I mean that you should keep your private life private, and if questioned about it, politely let them know that it's none of their business what you do behind closed doors. You can let them know that you're not yet ready to settle down with one man and start that happy little family, perhaps because you haven't met the right man. Most families will understand that. It's better to never marry than to settle for something less than what you want, then end up in a messy divorce years later, after children become involved.

In short, some people will accept you the way you are, and some won't. That's just life. Parents will rarely accept anything less than what they want for their children, because they see it as a way of protecting (or in some extreme cases as controlling) them - again that's just life. Think of it this way - the way they treat you because of your not wanting to see just one man is totally up to them - that's the way they are. Your chances of changing them are the same as their chances of changing you. It's a classic stand-off. There is nothing I or anyone else can tell you to say or do that will suddenly make them accept anything you do or don't do. They're asking you to change a certain behavior, and you're asking them to do the same thing. Who is right or wrong in the matter is irrelevant - it just is.

The only advice I can give you is to keep your private life private, and do what you think is necessary to keep peace with your family. Keeping peace is something that will fall on your shoulders, because they're just as frustrated by the whole thing as you are, and they think they're "doing the right thing" by trying to tell you how you should live your life. By eliminating the topic from discussion by keeping your private life private, maybe everyone can just get along and move on to other aspects of life. Sometimes that means you have to just nod your head, smile, and pretend that you're listening to and agreeing with everything they may say. Lord knows we've both done that countless times with our parents over various topics. In the end, however, our private life remains one subject that is completely off-limits for discussion - as it should. It's just nobody's business.

I hope something in this ramble helps you.

Mark

[slinkster]

It was very helpful, and nice to have a little bit of understanding.
i will have to do my best to keep it secret, hopefully that will work.

Guess it'll only get easier with time

Thank you so much for the reply
sorry i cant muster up more of a reply, really tired today but you have certainly perked my up somewhat after a rather lousy day.

hope your good
x x x

[Mark & Lin]

Hi Slinkster.

I hope today is going much better for you than yesterday did. When I said that you should keep your private life private, I didn't mean that you should sneak around, or that you should have to feel that you needed to. I only meant that what you do behind closed doors is simply nobody's business. I think it incredibly rude for anyone, family or otherwise, to pry into your sex life when they're not welcome to do so. Talking with friends or lovers about such subjects is one thing, but being questioned by your parents is quite another - especially if you're an adult living on your own.

Not all of us have met Mr. or Ms. Right, and, while we aren't opposed to meeting him or her, we're not going to sit at home by the phone waiting for them to call. I guess what I meant to say was that you shouldn't bring up the subject, and if someone else does, you should politely let them know that you don't want to talk about that. If pressed, letting them know that you haven't found the right man yet, and what you're doing in the mean time is your own affair - no pun intended. Don't be defensive about it, just calmly let them know that finding Mr. Right isn't your priority right now, but when he does come along, they'll be among the first to know.

Speaking as the parent of 5 children, I can tell you that what my adult children do in the privacy of their own homes is not only none of my business, it's something I just don't want to know about. I won't even search the swinger's websites in the areas that any of my relatives live in because I just don't want any surprises. It's a privacy issue. I just don't want to know.

Mark

[slinkster]

I'd like to say today went better, well half of it did, guess another battle i have to face is also finding like minded people who arent gonna mess me around. All in good time aye.

Its completely wrong for a guy to treat me badly when I layed my cards on the table told him, how i was and how things would work, and he agreed mind you i was very clear. Then hes just turned around and threw everything back in my face after 3 months when he didnt communicate his feelings, kinda a shame but not your problem, feels better putting it into words.

These things will happen. You do have some very good advice though and i will be polite but still firm with my boundaries of conversation seems like a good technique.
hope your days been good, as all days should be.
x x x