Partner goes straight from second base to home.

[anon42]

Hello everyone! So my wife and I have been married for a year and half now and we have had an....interesting sex life so far. To give a little background, we were both raised in very, very strict conservative homes that demonized sex. We both reacted really differently to the conditioning. I became addicted to porn at a young age and suffice to say consider myself to be a very 'open' individual. My wife had the opposite reaction to her upbringing. Her sexual development was very stunted. So much so that she has never masturbated in her life. Predictably, we waited until we were married to have sex.

On our wedding night, we were both doe-eyed, nervous virgins, and her vagina locked up so tight we couldn't even get to the main act. To loosen things up, I performed oral sex on her until she was sore. Eventually, we got the hang of this sex thing, and very gradually expanded past the missionary position. Now, she has made a lot of progress (she used to think that doggie style was dirty), but there's always been one area of difficulty: third base. She is incapable of giving me a handjob or a blowjob.

At first it didn't really bother me to much, because hey, I was getting laid. But as time went on and sex fell into a little bit of a routine, I wanted to expand our options. Everytime I would discuss the possibility of oral sex, she concluded that oral sex on her was ok, but she thought the idea of blowjobs and handjobs was dirty. To make matters worse, if I tried oral sex, she would be so preoccupied by feeling guilty about not reciprocating, she wouldn't enjoy it.

Recently, we were ordered by her OBGYN to abstain from intercourse for a few weeks. Well, we're both still horny, so we tried to work with what we had. We had some great foreplay and I pleasured her, but when it came time to return the favor, she froze and started crying.

According to her, she really, really wants to do stuff to make me happy, but when it gets right down to it, she always chokes (no pun intended). She gets freaked out and just can't handle it. We've talked about it at length, and we just don't know what to do. We think her strict upbringing is the cause of her 'dirty' view of oral and manual sex, but what do we do about it?

To be clear, I'm not angry, and I'm trying not to be selfish about this. I just want to be as open as possible with my wife, and the lack of closeness is killing me.

[Strawbs]

I think she needs some kind of therapy to help with this. I understand that you love and support her, but that could be the problem - perhaps she feels too close to you to talk about sex and her issues with it? (On the other hand, if she were to go to therapy, she might find it easier if you were there.)

The long term goal is to help her ease up about it but I really think these issues are too deep-set for you to help her on your own.

But things you could try are:

1. Don't talk about sex in the bedroom. Broach the subject when you're in the kitchen making toast or something ie a safe, unsexual environment. Just bring it up casually and ask her what she feels might help.

2. Have a competition to see who can think of the most rude words for genitalia. Again, the game in itself isn't designed to be arousing but is still sexual in nature. It might make her a little more comfortable with 'dirty' stuff when she sees the funny side. On the other hand, you need to decide whether or not that would be too much for her.

3. Maybe she could read some softcore erotic fiction or something? Just at times when she's alone. Not to turn her on or try and encourage her to masturbate, but just to give her access to sexual acts in a way that is safe for her.

4. Start slowly. Spend a day together, have lunch, all that. Then get naked and just touch each other, not to pleasure each other but just to be intimate. If she can have a chance to play with your penis and know that you don't expect anything more from it (the same goes for you touching her), she might be more willing to relax and explore.

5. Increase your overall physical contact. I dont know if you're a 'snuggly' couple or not, but holding hands and cuddling is a great way to increase closeness and intimacy in a totally non-sexual way. You could wash her hair (just 'cause it feels nice!), massage her back and vice versa.

Good luck!