Her body image--how can I help?

[CoJon]

Over five years ago, when I first got to know Amy, I told her I thought she looked good. She responded by saying that she knew she was a little overweight but that her body weight was, as it had always been, "well-proportioned". I had seen what she looked like when we first met, and then we kept in touch by phone over the two-hour distance between us for about six months until I moved in with her and her boys, although we met in person for a few dates during that time, and I quickly fell in love with her--all of her. I liked pretty much everything about her, including her body. I wasn't looking for a certain type; I just knew I liked what I learned about and saw in her. Since then, I've met Amy's mom and her older sister, and they all have body types that might be appropriately termed "endomorphic". They are bigger through the shoulders, arms, tummy, and legs. I must admit, though, Amy is certainly the best-built of all three older-generation women in her family.

Anyway, after I moved in, I was still used to cooking for myself, and I was happy to find someone else willing to share my meals with me on a regular basis, so I made extra servings of my vegetarian cooking to share with Amy and her mom. Around that same time, Amy decided to start walking/jogging with her mom (and sometimes her sister or me) around the track at one of the nearby schools. Before long, Amy was looking really, really hot. She said she had not looked so good in, perhaps, her whole life. Not long after she met me, she had lost a total of forty pounds. As it turns out, that was all she felt she needed to look nearly perfect. And I'd have been the first to agree. But "perfect" is a tricky and elusive word. I don't like to use absolutes like "perfect", "always", "never", etc., although "perfect" may be the most offensive among these. You can never live up to perfection, ever.

Now, I should add that I (still) had health problems at the time. Actually, I had been suffering from an ongoing health issue for years before I met Amy; we talked about it soon after first meeting, and, fortunately, I was able to resolve them, with her help, not long after I moved in with her. One side effect I developed--not from my initial illness, but from a partial cure: my vegetarian diet--was a diminished sex drive. So a few months after I discovered that kelp supplements helped the original symptoms of my illness, or my "main" symptoms, I learned that taking zinc supplements helped to restore my sex drive. However, I'm afraid my sparse interest in sex had already taken its emotional toll on Amy.

In the years since then, my sex drive has slowly and steadily returned. Amy has gained back some of the weight she lost, but I am as turned on by her as ever. Probably more so. Except now it seems that we have reversed roles; On Friday, my mom had left for Crooked River Ranch for the week, my sister was still at work, the kids were still at school, and Amy had just come home from her community college, so I eagerly hopped out of the shower to lay down beside her on the bed as she watched TV. Under my towel, I was naked and horny, almost crazy with lust and a raging boner, and she said, "Why do you always want to have sex with me? Sometimes I think I like you better the way you used to be." Now she has become the reluctant sex partner. She said she just doesn't feel interested anymore, and she doesn't like to have sex in the daytime, because she and I can see what she looks like, and she doesn't feel good about the way she looks anymore.

I try my best to make her feel desirable now. I also tell her she's beautiful and sexy; she usually replies, "It's not true, but thank you." I've even started cutting a tablet of zinc and a multivitamin in half every other day for her to take, in the hopes that this may have some additional, helpful effect. Although I truly believe that the changes I've seen in her are more psychological than physical.

Please, if anybody has any suggestions, any comments on this subject at all, let me know. Is there anything more I can do to help improve her self-image--and maybe even help her sex drive to return to its former levels??

[Luvoral]

Originally Posted by CoJon

Over five years ago, when I first got to know Amy, I told her I thought she looked good. She responded by saying that she knew she was a little overweight but that her body weight was, as it had always been, "well-proportioned". I had seen what she looked like when we first met, and then we kept in touch by phone over the two-hour distance between us for about six months until I moved in with her and her boys, although we met in person for a few dates during that time, and I quickly fell in love with her--all of her. I liked pretty much everything about her, including her body. I wasn't looking for a certain type; I just knew I liked what I learned about and saw in her. Since then, I've met Amy's mom and her older sister, and they all have body types that might be appropriately termed "endomorphic". They are bigger through the shoulders, arms, tummy, and legs. I must admit, though, Amy is certainly the best-built of all three older-generation women in her family.

Anyway, after I moved in, I was still used to cooking for myself, and I was happy to find someone else willing to share my meals with me on a regular basis, so I made extra servings of my vegetarian cooking to share with Amy and her mom. Around that same time, Amy decided to start walking/jogging with her mom (and sometimes her sister or me) around the track at one of the nearby schools. Before long, Amy was looking really, really hot. She said she had not looked so good in, perhaps, her whole life. Not long after she met me, she had lost a total of forty pounds. As it turns out, that was all she felt she needed to look nearly perfect. And I'd have been the first to agree. But "perfect" is a tricky and elusive word. I don't like to use absolutes like "perfect", "always", "never", etc., although "perfect" may be the most offensive among these. You can never live up to perfection, ever.

Now, I should add that I (still) had health problems at the time. Actually, I had been suffering from an ongoing health issue for years before I met Amy; we talked about it soon after first meeting, and, fortunately, I was able to resolve them, with her help, not long after I moved in with her. One side effect I developed--not from my initial illness, but from a partial cure: my vegetarian diet--was a diminished sex drive. So a few months after I discovered that kelp supplements helped the original symptoms of my illness, or my "main" symptoms, I learned that taking zinc supplements helped to restore my sex drive. However, I'm afraid my sparse interest in sex had already taken its emotional toll on Amy.

In the years since then, my sex drive has slowly and steadily returned. Amy has gained back some of the weight she lost, but I am as turned on by her as ever. Probably more so. Except now it seems that we have reversed roles; On Friday, my mom had left for Crooked River Ranch for the week, my sister was still at work, the kids were still at school, and Amy had just come home from her community college, so I eagerly hopped out of the shower to lay down beside her on the bed as she watched TV. Under my towel, I was naked and horny, almost crazy with lust and a raging boner, and she said, "Why do you always want to have sex with me? Sometimes I think I like you better the way you used to be." Now she has become the reluctant sex partner. She said she just doesn't feel interested anymore, and she doesn't like to have sex in the daytime, because she and I can see what she looks like, and she doesn't feel good about the way she looks anymore.

I try my best to make her feel desirable now. I also tell her she's beautiful and sexy; she usually replies, "It's not true, but thank you." I've even started cutting a tablet of zinc and a multivitamin in half every other day for her to take, in the hopes that this may have some additional, helpful effect. Although I truly believe that the changes I've seen in her are more psychological than physical.

Please, if anybody has any suggestions, any comments on this subject at all, let me know. Is there anything more I can do to help improve her self-image--and maybe even help her sex drive to return to its former levels??

Never thought I would read this from you...you said she was attending college.could there be some problem there?...Kids?...just some thoughts...one thing i do know that when one feels sexy their sex drive usually increases espically when one that shows his/her love for them.this also helps with self image....our live-in lover is also built like your wife and also had the same problem.our master when she moved in striped her of her clothing,as he did me months ago.while at the beach this summer he made us take her and buy her sexy clothes[bikini,short dress,tiny thong,etc],he/we all gave her constant compliments of her looks[her weight was never a problem to us],but while living naked she was always looking in the mirrow and now has dropped ten lbs...of course i don't know if your able to to do this with kids,mother,etc....maybe a getaway alone,abreak from the books and regular duties.sounds like your doing your best.we all do get in ruts.talking it out might be your best option along with some flowers and a sexy getup before you start talking.i know this might be hard in your house but we always hug,caress,compliment and never leave any inch of her unattended and my master tells her how great she feels when he is inside her.she is like a new bloomed flower.I wish you the best.Luv

[CoJon]

Originally Posted by Luvoral

Never thought I would read this from you...you said she was attending college.could there be some problem there?...Kids?...

Thank you, Luv, for your valued words. Yes. We have a houseful. Not just kids--she has two boys; they live here all the time; I have a girl who lives here half the time--but my sister and mother also live in the same household; we take turns taking care of her. Your thorough advice could help in the case of a busy household, too. I'll do my best to keep attending to her and every part of her body (I like that!) and to get away with just her once in awhile.

Thanks again,

Jon

[Hope]

okay. speaking from my own experiences here with being overweight and stressed....

There are a million things you can do for her that will make her feel attractive and eventually want to have sex again. There also a million things you can do that will potentially make her crawl further away from you and feel even more isolated with the situation being what it is.

But first, a little perspective. I have always been overweight, since I can remember. I grew up with a family that put a lot of pressure on me to "fit in" in the looks department, meaning my weight. This put a very negative stigma on me and has made me a bit insecure of how I look, pretty much all the time. A couple of years ago, I decided to make a change for me because I wasnt happy wtih my body. I worked really hard between diet and exercise to lost 55 pounds. It took me 2 years to do this. I was really starting to feel sexy and love my body and want to show it off. I started buying clothes that dont have shoulders, dresses, skirts, high heels, the whole bit. I was excited and everything seemed to be going really well for me. I got all sorts of compliments from people. I'd say my self-esteem was the highest it's ever been. Well, I found that in a 6 month period (due to certain conditions), I gained back 35 of the 55 pounds. And I'm finding myself to be rather down about it. I dont feel so attractive. I dont want to get dressed up so much anymore. I try to hide my belly fat and my legs and my butt. And this is to the point where I prefer to have a tshirt on when we do have sex just so that I dont have to see my belly or how it's recently grown. I'm kind of depressed about it, honestly. And right now, I've got about a million other things going on that a lot of the time, the last thing to enter my mind is to eat right or exercise. And quite frankly, sex is one thing that tends to be even further away than eating right.

Now... As for what you should probably try to avoid doing which will put into her head that you are only looking for sex... is some of the things like what you had mentioned here that you've done - lying in bed next to her with a raging hardon. This can be flattering to a girl, dont get me wrong, but in this situation it's not taken that way. It's taken as "he got horny because of something else and he's going to settle with me" type of thought, even though that's not really what's going on.

What you should do:
Try to be a little more affectionate with her when you're both fully clothed and not in the bedroom. Take some time to try to make her feel special because you love her, not because you want to have sex with her. Even consider trying to surprise her with something. Over time, this will help a lot. Maybe even consider cooking for her again and try to go for a walk together at sunset or something. Throw some romance in there for her. I've learned recently from living with someone you love that it's easy to fall into the trap of treating each other as roommates instead of more than that. You both have to work hard to get out of that rut/mindset.

Now, the stress thing is another issue that's contributing to the whole problem. Do what you can to ease her stress. Ask her about her day, check in with her about stuff that you know is bothering her. Basically, ask the questions that show interest in her and what she's doing. Help out around the house as much as you can, help with the kids. Is there a way to get the family out of the household that are not either of your kids? If so, do it.


By all means though, whatever you end up doing - do NOT ever point out how much she's eating, how little she's exercising/being active, or that she's got some cushion for the pushin.

[CoJon]

Crap. Hope, I posted--or thought I posted--a long reply to your response this morning, but apparently it didn't take. I'll try to reiterate all the things I wanted to say later today.

Jon

[CoJon]

Originally Posted by Hope

okay. speaking from my own experiences here with being overweight and stressed....

There are a million things you can do for her that will make her feel attractive and eventually want to have sex again. There also a million things you can do that will potentially make her crawl further away from you and feel even more isolated with the situation being what it is.

But first, a little perspective. I have always been overweight, since I can remember. I grew up with a family that put a lot of pressure on me to "fit in" in the looks department, meaning my weight. This put a very negative stigma on me and has made me a bit insecure of how I look, pretty much all the time. A couple of years ago, I decided to make a change for me because I wasnt happy wtih my body. I worked really hard between diet and exercise to lost 55 pounds. It took me 2 years to do this. I was really starting to feel sexy and love my body and want to show it off. I started buying clothes that dont have shoulders, dresses, skirts, high heels, the whole bit. I was excited and everything seemed to be going really well for me. I got all sorts of compliments from people. I'd say my self-esteem was the highest it's ever been. Well, I found that in a 6 month period (due to certain conditions), I gained back 35 of the 55 pounds. And I'm finding myself to be rather down about it. I dont feel so attractive. I dont want to get dressed up so much anymore. I try to hide my belly fat and my legs and my butt. And this is to the point where I prefer to have a tshirt on when we do have sex just so that I dont have to see my belly or how it's recently grown. I'm kind of depressed about it, honestly. And right now, I've got about a million other things going on that a lot of the time, the last thing to enter my mind is to eat right or exercise. And quite frankly, sex is one thing that tends to be even further away than eating right.

Now... As for what you should probably try to avoid doing which will put into her head that you are only looking for sex... is some of the things like what you had mentioned here that you've done - lying in bed next to her with a raging hardon. This can be flattering to a girl, dont get me wrong, but in this situation it's not taken that way. It's taken as "he got horny because of something else and he's going to settle with me" type of thought, even though that's not really what's going on.

What you should do:
Try to be a little more affectionate with her when you're both fully clothed and not in the bedroom. Take some time to try to make her feel special because you love her, not because you want to have sex with her. Even consider trying to surprise her with something. Over time, this will help a lot. Maybe even consider cooking for her again and try to go for a walk together at sunset or something. Throw some romance in there for her. I've learned recently from living with someone you love that it's easy to fall into the trap of treating each other as roommates instead of more than that. You both have to work hard to get out of that rut/mindset.

Now, the stress thing is another issue that's contributing to the whole problem. Do what you can to ease her stress. Ask her about her day, check in with her about stuff that you know is bothering her. Basically, ask the questions that show interest in her and what she's doing. Help out around the house as much as you can, help with the kids. Is there a way to get the family out of the household that are not either of your kids? If so, do it.


By all means though, whatever you end up doing - do NOT ever point out how much she's eating, how little she's exercising/being active, or that she's got some cushion for the pushin.

OK. Here goes my second attempt at a lengthy and honest response...

First of all, I wish to thank you for your comments. You seem to know how Amy must really feel inside. And for all my good intentions, I can't be her or even get inside her head as much as I'd like to oftentimes. Your advice has given me some hope and encouragement. You've earned your ASA handle well enough.

Now, on to my (latest) fuck-ups. First of all, I'm still a guy, and, try as I might, I'm unable to prevent myself from acting like a selfish ass sometimes. In the time since I started this thread, until before you posted your comment here, I have continued to lay next to Amy with a raging hard-on. But I've been less and less communicative about it--i.e., I haven't always let her know it's there--because she hasn't been responding in the ways I'd hoped lately.

Second, we have less time to spend together now that school has started, for both her and the kids. She is taking her second year of nursing classes, and I am presently working 55 hours a week. (My hours per week should be reduced to 44 after next week, though.) So even after her hard day of clinicals, she still has to come home and feed our sick mother and the kids and make sure they get their homework done properly. I'd honestly love to be there to help, but I offered to take this year off school so she could finish her 2-year nursing program.

Lastly--and probably the worst--I bought her a membership at the only fitness club near our children's school. Before I did this, she had signed up for two weight-lifting classes at the community college. But when she realized that doing so would simply place another obligation upon her shoulders--and another tax on her already full schedule--she told me she was going to drop them. Her birthday is coming up, and we had a little temporary "extra" cash, so I stopped in to check out the club after dropping my daughter off at a school function one night. Soon after, I left the club with her membership papers, came home and wrote on them, "My Baby Amy: Now you can feel as sexy as I see you. Love, Daddy," and wrapped them in birthday wrapping paper. When she found out how much I'd spent on her gift--even before knowing what I'd bought--she told me to "take it back." I said I would, but the following day she decided to keep it. I joked once about both of us going to the gym late one night when she was having trouble sleeping, but, except for that, I don't think I've brought it up again. Besides, I only purchased her membership two or three days ago.

I have done a couple of good things, though!

On Sunday, I took the kids to the park for two hours so she could study...and so I could play with the kids, of course. That night, she said she wanted to watch a movie with me and, though it didn't work out that way, I stayed by her side almost the entire time as she helped Brandon with his homework (pitching in when I was needed), folded clothes with the help of the kids, tucked the kids in and turned on the news.

I still give her back rubs, although I must admit I've grown less enthusiastic about them as she is more likely to fall asleep than to respond in a sexual manner. Don't get me wrong--I'm not rubbing her back just so I can get sex, but as the prospect of sex seems to have dwindled to almost nil, I feel less and less inclined to continue rubbing her back each night, never to be rewarded with anything more than a few grateful groans followed by a snore. Still, I haven't stopped entirely. I just tend to massage her back longer both before and after sex. Is this a man thing, too? Whatever it is, I don't feel great about it. But both our energies seem to have dwindled much of the time.

Oh, and yesterday I wrote a note and placed it on her pillow before I left for work so she would find it when she got home. It said essentially, "I love and desire you every day. I still want you and need you. And I always will." She offered me sex last night, and before we began I told her, "That's not why I wrote the note." She acted like she didn't believe me, and we had sex anyway, but I think it's still good that I told her that. Maybe it will eventually sink in that I love her and want her just as she is, and I always will.

Thank you, Hope. And, please, keep your comments flowing!

Jon

[CoJon]

I noted something else last night. Often I will massage her back when we are lying down together, but lately I've been trying to massage more of her, as a sort of practice for later foreplay. (You see, I've discovered some online reading about the numerous steps I can take to give her more--or more satisfying--orgasms, so I've just been having fun with trying to massage different areas of her body to relax her when she is sleepy and to turn her on when she's indicated she's horny...although, admittedly, I've been giving her more "sleepy" than "horny" massages over the past few days since I discovered these online "sex pointers".)

Anyway, we were in a spooning position and I was leaning down and reaching far enough so I could massage the front of her thighs. Granted, I was horny, and maybe I was testing the waters a little, but I also sensed that she was tired and I wasn't trying to make any overtly sexual moves--i.e., I was only trying to relax her while, perhaps, getting sex out of my mind by keeping my hands busy (if that makes any sense at all!). Well, suddenly she uttered, "I hate it when you touch my legs." I expressed my puzzlement and she explained that it makes her feel fat when I reach around her to massage her legs. I didn't argue--I don't think I made any incredulous noises, either (at least, in retrospect, I hope I didn't!)--and I stopped trying to rub her legs.

However, as I was trying to rub her front and got a little too low--around her belly button--she stopped me again, saying, "I hate it when you play with my fat," even though I wanted to make her feel sexy and desired (as well as relaxed), but not fat.

Any thoughts about this?

[Hope]

Any woman that has some extra body fat is exceptionally aware of it and does not want to feel more aware of it because of someone else touching it. When you touch the extra fat, it's kind of like this reminder of it's existence and that you're making fun a bit, even though the intent is neither. Have you tried to talk to her when you're not in the physically intimate setting to find out what you can do for her to feel the way that you're intending? It's sounding a bit to me overall like she's getting to be rather depressed and might be needing some help overall.

[Winterwhite]

I just want to pop in and thank both of you for your posts. I'm in a near-identical situation with my SO who had gained a lot of weight due to thyroid problems. She gained it so quickly that to this day, almost eight years later, she still says "It's not my body" when she looks in the mirror. She says her 'self image' is a good 40kgs skinnier (I don't know what that is in lbs... sorry), and every time she sees her reflection, it's a shock to her. So your comment, Hope, about how women hate to be 'reminded' of their bodies, is only too pertinent. I've learned a lot with these posts. I would like to add (also being a guy and

unable to prevent myself from acting like a selfish ass sometimes

) that I have not helped much at all, despite my good intentions. How often I've put my foot in my mouth! But the undesirable side-effect of her lack-of-sex-drive/self-esteem is that I've found that often, sex is the last thing on my mind. It's a really nasty downward spiral. I'm about to dash out of the office now and romance her tonight. I hope things go well... Good luck to CoJon! Thank you Hope!

[CoJon]

Thank you for your encouragement, Winter! It's nice, too, to see that other guys--and not just in romantic movies, but in real life--are willing to admit that they can are sometimes, perhaps subconsciously (and even inherently) due to their gender, selfish jerks. I was so surprised to see my own words, "selfish ass," quoted, that I had to do a quick search to make sure they were mine originally! I'm so proud!