Co-workers messing around.

[Vanguy]

I have two issues here.


1) I have been dating a co worker of mine for approx 3 1/2 months now. She is a great woman and I am crazy about her.

During that time we have bascially done everything except intercourse. Everytime we are together and fondle or oral I have no problem getting and sustaining my erection, and ejeculating. I have found that I have been lasting longer. Albeit I have only recieved oral and handjobs.

Just recently we met up at her place, she immediatley took me to her room and the fun began. This was the first time in her room. As clothes were being tossed around both of us very excited. I had an erection no problems
there. After awhile of messing around I put a condom on and positioned myself to enter her, again no problems with my erection. I rubbed my erect penis against her vagina and as I was about to enter she said "what are we doing we are co-workers". As she said that I was taken out of the zone and lost my erection.

I really like her and up until that point I have had no problem with erections.

She then said forget about it and we played around some more but now I was too busy thinking and couldn't get a full erection again. I was able to penetrate but again I was thinking too much and It was over before it began.

What happened there?

I know that she is way more experienced than I. She is only the fourth woman I have ben with. The last 17 years I have been with the same woman.

After that night she seems to be distant from me now, which doesn't help my embarassment.

2) After we had been together a short while she said to me out of the blue that she had been sexually assaulted when she was a kid by her moms boyfriend. It was a complete shock. I told her after mulling it over for a few minutes that it didn't matter to me and that it won't change the way I feel about her. I never got the details, I would rather not know.

Do you think that she was testing me?

[Budde]

No frankly what I think she was doing is fucking with your head. Have her look it up in the employee hand book a blowjob is not acceptable behavior between fellow employees. So you want to follow the natural course of progression and have intercourse with her and she comes out with a line like that, sorry for being blunt but is she a dim-whit or what. That was just plain cruel or if it was a joke it was in very poor taste.
Under the circumstances I can see why your didn't perform up to par and her having more experience in this case has nothing to do with it.

I would walk softly on the issue of her being abused but being as you to are intimate to some degree I believe you have the right to know what went on. Listen to her story carefully and if she talks about it again see if their are any discrepancies in version one as opposed to version two.
I dated a girl years a go who had been through a similar situation with a family relative. So I asked her if this had anything to do with why didn't ever want to go down on me except if I really came right out and asked her to?She confessed to me that her uncle had forced her to give him head when she was very young and she never forgot it. I told her I thought she needed to mention this to her therapist whom she was seeing for other issues she was dealing with in her life. If she wanted to do it that was great and if she didn't I understood too. I also offered to go talk with her (the therapist )with her if she thought it would help. Well about three weeks to a month later she popped over one afternoon and with out saying a word she just got on her knees and looked up and smiled at me a and gave me one killer blowjob. From then on she loved giving me head and thanked me for helping her face her demons. Now my point to this long winded story is that when your with someone who's been through something like that it often helps for the person to be able to talk to someone they can trust about it what had happened. Not saying that this is the case with her but my gut feeling is she made that story up to cover her butt for being such a jackass.

[Ann Andriani]

There's a part of me that agrees with Budde and thinks she's playing games, but there's another part of me that thinks she may have been having second thoughts and panicked and blurted that out. For some women, oral and manual stimulation is not as serious as intercourse. For some women, once penis enters vagina, the relationship has moved to the next level and being co-workers maybe she's unsure about that. BUT and a very big BUT, it's difficult to know why she said what she said, we're not in her head, nor have we lived her life. So I can't really guide you there, it wouldn't be fair.

I can talk about what happened to your body though. The excitement of sex was totally disrupted by her comment and your confusion over her comment and retraction, caused you to lose your erection. As I just stated in another discussion, sex is as much a mental experience for men as it is for women. You were suddenly confused and stressed, so it was difficult to keep your erection. I'm sure the sex after that point wasn't as hot and arousing and your erection reflected that fact. You have nothing to feel bad about. You were put in an awkward situation and dealt with it the best you can.

Her distance bothers me a lot though. She did start a this sexual relationship with you and then to just ignore you after the weirdness she caused is a shame and rather rude. Now, she could be doing it because she's embarrassed about what happened as well. Again, this is a difficult thing to figure out because I'm not her. But you don't have to settle for avoidance. If you need closure on this, then approach her and find out what the deal is. Let her know that you understand things got awkward and you'd like to talk about it with her. Let her know how she confused you with her comment and retraction and that you'd like to know where this is going if anywhere. And let her know if she was just testing or playing you, that you're not into that and as a human being deserve more respect than that and give her no further time of day. Chalk it up to a learning lesson and move on. However, if she was abused as a child and experienced some trauma in her past, then she could be a difficult person to just fuck around with, and that would be up to you to decide if you want to get involved with someone like that.

Hope some of my thoughts helped.
Ann

[Vanguy]

Thank you both for you thoughts.

I guess that embarrassing night happened two weeks ago now and she has been avoiding me. I send text messages and leave her voice mail messages which go unanswered. The other day at work she said for me to go to her place afterwards. I thought great we are getting back on track.She was back to being her flirty self and then after work she said to me that she was too tired and that she would call me on our days off. I became a little mad and said to her I doubt that she would call. We went from steaming hot too ice cold over night. To me it seems that she is trying to push me away without being adult enough to come right out and tell me. This is putting a bigger strain on our working relationship than her just out right telling me we are done.

When things were hot it was great and I would love to get back there again. I am so confused. Too many mixed signals.

[Budde]

Well sorry your getting jerked around again. I don't want to be a J/O and quote an old saying about blanking but rather I guess this is why office romances are not a good idea. This women is being a jackass plain and simple do your self a big favor and avoid her like the plague. She may have a fear of intimacy issue or perhaps she's just a cock teaser in any case you don't need that kind of nonsense interfering with your job. I don't know how important this job is to you but in today's world any job is better then no job so try and focus on more important things then this loon and totally ignore her and don't make contact with her. I'll bet you dollars to donuts that she will try and make contact with you after you ignore her. If you choose to respond to her thats your choice I personally would stay as far away from her as I could. I know from where I speak as I had a some what similar situation happen a few years back. When things went bad between us she eventually got fired and blamed me and told the company she was going to file sexual harassment suit against me and our supervisor and a wrongful termination suit as well. She changed her tune completely when company security told her she was being charged with credit card theft and abuse of her company expense account. Trust me nothing good is going to come from a relationship like this, you'll find someone more deserving and appreciative of you I can guarantee, I did.

[Vanguy]

That is good advice. I do have a confidant at work a good friend of mine and she has been telling me the same. RUN plain and simple. I think that she is a cock tease. The big issue is that we work in the same department and sometimes together somedays. I guess ending this now before it gets too ugly would be best.

But I am a sucker there is something about her that is unique, she is beautiful, sexy, smart, funny with the greatest personality.

The longer it contiues the uglier it is going to get in the end.

I will have to end it.

Thanks for the advice.

[Budde]

But I am a sucker there is something about her that is unique, she is beautiful, sexy, smart, funny with the greatest personality.
and she is the only women with these traits? Trust me or even ask your confidant friend if I'm wrong, there are literally thousands of women with these traits who don't have a screw loose. When you do meet one and you will you'll look back at this one like the nut-ball she really is. Keep work on a professional basis and NEVER be alone with her, Never give her ANY opportunity, trust me on that one.

One constant seems to always be that the craziest ones are usually the prettiest ones, just rememebr that how nature works, you ever look at a Venus fly trap?

[Vanguy]

Here is the latest.

She had recently said that we should not see each other anymore people in the office are talking. She was tired of sneaking around behind friends and co-workers back so we could meet up. She did say that maybe in the future we could see each other again after some things change at work.

I also found out that when we met she had just gotten out of a 10 year relationship that ended badly, then a month later we were hooked up. So her seeming to be withdrawn is because she didn't want to get to involved and hurt again.

So stupid me I contact a friend of hers that knew about us and asked her for advice and guidence. She said hang in there, she has feelings for me and just give it some time for the last relationship to be forgotten. She just had some issues regarding me having kids as well. Even though my kids live with my ex-wife, I am a big part of thier lives still. She wasn't ready for kids.

I went to work one morning and spoke to a friend at work also my supervisor but we have been friends for awhile. She knew that there was something wrong. I in fact was sick to my stomach with nerves thinking that I would see this woman that just dumped me and one that I really cared for. I told her what was going on. Didn't give her the name of who I was seeing. A minute later the girl I was seeing walked into the room and saw us talking. After she left my friend said it was her she could tell by the look she gave me and the one she gave to my female friend. I never admitted to it though. She advised me that as long as it didn't interfere with work she was okay with it. She also said give it some time and let my girlfriend work things out in her life but just to be friends and be there for her.

Stupid mistake #2. I contacted my girlfriends friend again and told her what our supervisor said, well in the best interests of her friend my girlfriend she told her what happened. Throughout our relationship she told me not to tell anyone. She has some trust issues as there have ben a few men that have lied and cheated on her in the past.

So in telling the boss this info she blew up. Rightly so I guess. She also brought up other things that I had appearantly told other friends. We have a co-worker we are both close too and all I have told her is that I really like this woman never mentioned anything about a relationship with her.

So we had a big talk and basically she said that she could never trust me again. Our co-workers talking is one thing but the boss is something entirely different and unacceptable. She said that is would be very unlikely that we would ever get back together again after what happened.

I now feel sick to my stomach with guilt. I care for her too much to hurt her like I did. She told me a huge detail about her life that only a few people know and she told me she is testing me to see if I can be trusted again.

The more I hear about how her life has been the more I want to get with her and show her I am a good guy. I never cheated in my 15 years of marriage nor on any other girlfriends. I am trust worthy.

Not being in a relationship with her hurts because I really like her , but her not trusting me hurts even more. She said we may not even be friends. And may look to transfer offices.

I feel like I have added to her already troubled life and I am the one that pushed it over the edge and truly ruined her life.

I am crying while writing this that is how bad I feel.

Anyway of recovering?

I think that I do love her.

[Vanguy]

I don't want her to think that I am like every other guy that has broken her heart in the past, because I really am not.

[Evle]

Okay Buddy, you want some advise... here is some.
One day soon, sit her down in a private place and tell her this... "Betty (or Jane or Whatever...) I understand that there are some issues of trust in whatever relationship we have right now. I want to first off apolagize for devulging about our relationship to friends of mine. I really like you and think you are a great person. However... I feel that there are way too many complicating factors in this for us for it to work out in any way. Let's just be friends and leave it at that."
You do not need %12 of the stress this situation is giving you. If it is too much, leave your job. You do not need this. You are her rebound guy, you are getting screwed over because of every other guy that hurt her. Leave this relationship. Do so Now. Do not pass go, do not collect $127.54 (after taxes).
I am sorry but this relationship looks like you just got like strike 5 or 6. Picture this... you are hanging out with an old friend at a bar and over the course of a ridiculus amount of Beer, he sobs out a story like yours... What would you tell him?
There are women out there that are worth this... But from what we've heard here, there aren't many...
Good luck man, and get a new Girlfriend.
Evle