different libidos

[salvaje]

So I've been with my bf for 18 months now. I am a female. and anyway I feel that I want sex all the time, seriously all day every day. and he only wants to do it a couple of times a week. It drives me mad, he has a demanding job and is tired a lot & I can understand this - but it frustrates me. Also I like to try new, different, kinky things and I don't feel that he really does, or maybe he is a bit lazy about it - how can I try & change things, or is there no way - will we never be compatible in this way?

[Budde]

Well nothing is carved in stone so I don't think it fare to say that you two will never be compatible in this area. It may be the stress of his job etc. or maybe he's just happy sexually with you the way things are. One can look at the glass as half full or half empty. One can say well I'm not getting enough from him and I feel cheated or another can say well I'm doing pretty good, so good in fact that I've been keeping him happy so maybe better things will come in time.

Take time and try and work new things into your sex life a little at a time. have a nice relaxing easy talk about the subject in a non sexual environment and tell him how important it is to you to explore and learn new things and you want to do these things with him. I mention a non sexual environment because if you talk about it in bed it may make him feel inadequate and that your giving him an ultimatum of sorts.

If your happy in the relationship in all other areas of the relationship then you may want to ask yourself how important is this desire compared to the rest of the relationship. Only you know the answer to that question.

[salvaje]

thanks for your reply, Everything else in the relationship is great & i seriously think he is the guy for me, more than anything!

I will talk to him, he is really easy to talk to about stuff so that is a good idea! Tho tbh I just don't think he sees theres a problem! But i'll give it a go! I defo don't want it to feel like an ultimatum or even a criticism coz we do have great sex...I just need a bit more than great sex if u know what I mean!
V frustrating! lol

[Ann Andriani]

Salvaje,

Differing libidos does mean a couple is doomed. What it does mean is that more communication and compromise may be in order. You both just have to find something that works for you.

You have a very high sex drive. For most people, having sex all day everyday is an impossibility. Please know that I'm not picking on you, I just want to be as realistic as possible when I give answers. What frustrates you about your b/f not having sex with you all the time? Really search yourself here. I know many times women feel that when the guy doesn't want it a lot, there's fears of an attraction problem when many times that's not the case at all. I don't really know enough about your relationship from your posts to make any call on that here.

Here's a couple of questions: When you do have sex do you enjoy it? Does he seem into it?

I wouldn't necessarily say he's lazy for not initiating new things. Some people don't have the same drive as others. The big question though is this: Is he willing to try new things if you bring them to the table? If he's willing, then you're good. You just know now that you have to be initiator. Some people are very hesitant to try new things. Ego, emotions, concerns of not being creative enough, come into the picture. Instead of fighting through and giving it go anyway, they avoid and do nothing. It doesn't make them bad people or losers, it just means they need some support. So you could compromise. You may not get sex as often as you want, but you can introduce new things when you do have sex, as long as he's game for them.

Also, you mentioned your b/f is also tired a lot from a demanding job. That just means you guys may not be able to be that spontaneous about sex. Plan a date night. Put it on the calendar for him so he can prepare for it. He can get his stuff done and get some rest beforehand. You may even find that by scheduling it in, you both enjoy it more because he's not fighting exhaustion.

Thing is, not every couple has similar sex drives, and life always manages to get in the way of things. Larry and I have periods where we'd love to have sex, but between working and sleeping, it gets pushed to the side. But when that happens we schedule it in and we can both plan to have our shit together by the time play time comes around. And I love it because I know we're both in the mood and in the right state of mind for it, making sex so much more enjoyable.

There's also a resource that I always recommend for couples looking to spice things up a bit. I recommend Laura Corn's 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex. That link goes to my detailed review of it. Basically, this a workbook for the two of you. It's filled with 50 sealed ideas for you to open to give her a great night of sex and 50 sealed ideas for her to open to give you a night of great sex. Then one for the two of you to open together.

The sealed pages contain fully thought out ideas, different ideas, for a night of great sex. What I love about this book is that the ideas start from the seduction, the wooing, creating anticipation...something that a couple in your situation needs. All you do is rip open the pages, get the supplies needed, if any are needed and make a date for the night. It is truely a wonderful book. You can treat it like a game and it will help your b/f treat you to nights of sex. It may also help the two of you to schedule nights of play.

Ann

[salvaje]

it wouldn't be possible for me to have sex all day every day as I do work full time, but its always running through the back of my mind!

I love the book idea, but to be honest my partner can be a bit lazy about things like that and it would maybe just end up causing arguements!!

[sclark]

salvaje, I'd like to tell you things should change, but....

I've been with my wife for nearly 15 years and have had the same problem. I figured it would change with time, but it hasn't and doesn't show signs of changing any time soon.

People just have different sex drives, that's all. If it's love, you adjust and make it work; if not, well then maybe it's time to move on and find someone with a stronger drive.