Sex is samey

[Strawbs]

(Sorry if I'm on the wrong board, here, it seemed like the best one.)

So, my sex life is boring.
I love my boyfriend and I love sex. He knows where everything is and he can always make me orgasm, but things just aren't very spicey.

While I wouldn't go so far as to call myself kinky, I like a little roughness in the bedroom, whether I'm on the giving or receiving end of it. Games and costumes are also all good.

But my boyfriend won't talk about what he wants. I absolutely do not want to make him uncomfortable, but I don't know how to get him to open up about his fantasies etc. He just says nothing.
For example, I know from a few throwaway comments he's made that he has a thing for French maid outfits. So I volunteered to dress up for him and... zero reaction. He was just like 'Sure.'

I live with him and we're happy and I'm confident that he finds me sexually attractive. Maybe he's just embarrased?

Any suggestions on how to get him to open up are appreciated!

Thanks,

Strawbs

[Ann Andriani]

Strawbs,

I have a couple of questions. How excited does your b/f get about other things in your relationship and in his life, in general? I ask this because I know some people who don't show great, enthusiasm and excitement for things even though they're excited. Your b/f may have been really excited and turned on by your idea to dress up for him, however, the delivery of his reaction may not have been what you wanted it to be. I know there are plenty of times when I make a comment or something to Larry about something sexual and he'll say, "Sure!" It's not the excitement I want at the time, but I know when I do it he'll be damn excited about it. So maybe you're looking too deep into his response.

Thing is some people aren't an open book about their sexual desires and what turns them on. I've found that that the environment a person grew up in has a lot to do with how they can or can't express themselves about sex. This may be something your b/f is experiencing. You did get something from him, about the French maid outfit. So he is telling you things, he's just not being very direct about it. That shows that all comments and discussions can be a clue about his desires. Did you dress up for him? How did he respond?

Some people aren't very forward about sex and about trying new things. You may be the ringleader in these adventures. He's got the techniques and it sounds like he's attentive, all great things. It's just if you want to do something different, you may have to be the one, at least for now, to get it going. If he's willing to go for the ride and try things out, then you're in a good place. There's a real issue, when you want to try new things and your partner does not. Not initiating doesn't mean he's not interested or not game. See what I mean?

How expressive is your b/f in your relationship. If he's not all that expressive normally, then you may need to find the right time to ask him about things. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable talking about sex all the time. If you do try something new one night, I would try asking him simple questions, if he liked it or enjoyed it afterward. Don't grill him, but while you're cuddling or winding down or getting a snackie, that kind of time. Ask him if he liked it? If he says yes, great. Ask him his favorite part? If he didn't like it, ask him what he'd like to be different. He's not going to volunteer the info but if you ask at the right times, you may find he'll be more open for discussion.

Just some thoughts.
If you can share more info, I may be able to provide more thoughts.
Ann

[Strawbs]

Actually, now that I think about it, your first point make sense - outwardly he's a pretty stoic person at the best of times.

Thanks for your help, I'll try the above.