Fear of Sex - Overcoming Partner's Fear

[halifaxer]

I have a problem to which I need some advice. I have been in a gay relationship with my soulmate for almost 3 years now. When we met we were polar opposites: I was 21 years old, very sexually experienced, loved one night stands, was sexually versatile and considered a varied sex life the most important thing in a relationship. My partner was very different. He was 29 years old, inexperienced, sexually shy and not confident at all. I gave up my wild ways because the love I found in him was better than anything I'd ever felt before, and for a long time I didn't miss the adventurous life I'd led before.

However, our differing sexual appetites soon began to cause a problem after about a year and has since been at the root of many arguments with me seriously frustrated at his lack of affection towards me, interest in regular sex and his refusal to change his ways, despite me begging at times. I have remained faithful and couldn't imagine ever cheating or ending it. He is a very private person and finds it hard to talk emotions, whereas I don't at all.

A blessing in disguise came lately in my finding out he'd been lying to me about having been contacted by an ex. It allowed me to really get mad and demand the truth about a lot of things in order for me to assess our future. Thankfully the ex thing had a perfectly innocent explanation.

He finally and reluctantly began to shed light on his past and things that are clearly affecting his relationship with me today, and exposed his

1) He was relentlessly teased as school about being gay, having (what only he considers to be!) a small manhood, and being fat - which has led him to be very introvert and not confident about his body or his ability in the bedroom.

2) His parents, although continuing to live together, practically divorced when he was 6 - sleeping in separate beds and not showing any affection whatsoever towards one another while he was growing up.

My partner was also circumcised in his mid twenties - very uncommon in the UK - which has left his penis and scrotum area extremely... ticklish, which means that he absolutely doesn't like anyone to touch anything around his groin as he hates the ticklish sensation. For me being a gay man and being denied the ability to even touch another man's penis in over 3 years is tough!

My partner today is a very passive, non-active and clueless (for want of a better word?) lover, in that he actually has no idea what he enjoys in the bedroom apart from penetration. He hasn't had the confidence or the opportunities to explore his own sexuality. And he's too shy and embarrassed to do so.

However, now that I know all of this I understand why he acts the way he does. He's confessed that he does want to change this side of him and realises how it has affected our relationship - he's just been so void of confidence to ever speak up about it. All this time I just had him down as someone who didn't really enjoy sex.

So my questions (at last):

i) How can I help him discover the joy of S.E.X. - beyond me on top, him below - without embarrassing him, making him feel stupid... and without me asking him to take the lead, as he just doesn't even know where to begin or what he likes and it overwhelms him.

ii) Following this revelation, I took him to the bedroom and tried a few different things to see if he enjoyed it. The actual handling of his genitals was bearable, but he still didn't enjoy it because it tickled. What can you suggest to overcome this?

iii) He's one of these people that if he has tried something with a previous partner - and not enjoyed it eg. oral sex, hot and passionate sex - he believes this will be no different with anyone else, even with someone he loves so much like me. How can I convince him that one bad experience should not put him off for life, especially with a different partner as it's completely different.

iv) And lastly, I feel like I want to get him EXCITED and not TERRIFIED of sex and trying new things. I know I can't push him too far too fast, but I don't know how to go about helping him with these things - and in what order.

Many thanks,

[Vicki]

I'm a girl, and heterosexual, so I'm not sure what advice I can give you that would work. But I have a problem with self-consciousness. I am very timid about my body, how it looks, and feels. And the only way I will let my boyfriend have sex, essentially, is if he can boost my confidence enough to where I don't care. I know alcohol may NOT be the asnwer to opening up to sex, but it really does work for me. One beer, I'm pretty tipsy, and I'm more open to doing new things!
I hope it helps!!!