How do I make her change her routine?

[one4themoney]

I've posted on this, sorta, before, but I still haven't quite figured it out. My gf of several years enjoys sex in much the same way I do, but I think we have vastly different definitions of what it should be... For her, it's all about the actual intercourse, and for me, it's about that too but equally as much, it's about the oral sex and every other kind of foreplay/associated fun. I believe sex should be shades of gray, with no predefined curriculum, whereas she seems to enjoy sticking with the same routine each time.

So what happens is we get into the routine... We do some hand stuff, then move onto intercourse, orgasm, and done. It's fun, but it's repetitive and frankly, at this point, the routine has gotten old. My interest is on the decline, and I'm almost more interested in enviously watching porn! I still find her attractive (she's hot!) but I feel like she's lost interest in trying to turn me on - we just know how to get each other off, but she's not interested in prolonging and altering the experience.

For example, I'd love if we started getting into it and instead of jumping right in with the lube, if she gave me a few minutes of oral instead. Even a MINUTE of oral would get me going! Or if instead of lying next to me and blindly using her hand, she could actually get down there and show some enthusiasm! And who says me finishing has to mean the end of the night... she's pretty lucky to have a guy who can stay erect and go twice or more in a row (with a short break), but she rarely tries to take advantage. And so you don't think I'm being selfish, she has to physically STOP me from doing these things to her on a regular basis. In other words, I frequently make efforts to step things up or change them, whereas she doesn't.

I've also tried bringing this up with her, but she gets pretty defensive, and says she tries but doesn't know what else to do, so that doesn't get very far.
And I want to be clear, this isn't about me getting more blowjobs, it's about her being more enthusiastic about variety before, during, and after sex... Making it different and creative each time.

By the way everything else in our relationship is just fine - we love spending time with each other, don't fight too much, enjoy our jobs, have our place, etc.

[Ann Andriani]

I apologize for coming in a little late One, but I hope my thoughts will be helpful to you.

Originally Posted by one4themoney

I've also tried bringing this up with her, but she gets pretty defensive, and says she tries but doesn't know what else to do, so that doesn't get very far.

This tells me a bit about your g/f right here. It doesn't sound like she has a lot of knowledge or experience with sex. This ignorance makes your desires hard to swallow, plus makes her feel bad about what you're already doing. However, that doesn't mean she needs to brush it aside and ignore the big pink elephant in the room. She needs to absorb what you've shared and work with you to make improvements.

You both sound young and that has a lot to do with it too, but regardless, the sooner you both learn how to communicate better and work as a team, the sooner you'll both have better sex lives, be it with each other or someone else.

So she's pretty much told you she doesn't know what else to do during sex, whether that's her reacting to your statement with emotion or not, it's something to go on. So I want to make sure I understand, if you try to do something different or mix things up, she resists you? If so, please explain what happens.

My thoughts are this, if she doesn't know what else to do and you don't mind being the captain of the ship, so to speak, then she should just go with it when you try to mix things up. She may learn something new that she likes and you'll get off on the variety.

However, if she turns you away during sex or gets mad at you or resists you, then you need to let her know right then and there how hurtful her behavior is. Does she realize that this isn't just about a spicy sex life, but how you're interpreting her actions? Maybe she needs to know the hurt feelings part of it all that you're experiencing.

The first part is getting past the wall she's built up. Why is it there, what is she afraid of, but you need to compassionate about this and very careful with your wording. Her upbringing and life experiences may have a lot to do with this. This article that I wrote may shed some light for you.

http://www.allsexguide.com/better_se...munication.htm

I have resources I can give you both, but she's got to want to participate if they're going to work. She may feel threatened by your statement of sex is the same, that could cause resistance to make a change. Do you just not enjoy sex with her anymore? If that's the case and if she thinks you feel that way, she may not think she can make up for it or overcome this with you. Maybe she doesn't understand what you mean by different and creative. I don't even know what you mean. Maybe if you gave her some specifics ideas, things she can think about and fantasize about, maybe that would help.

And I want to be clear, this isn't about me getting more blowjobs, it's about her being more enthusiastic about variety before, during, and after sex... Making it different and creative each time.

While I want to help you with this, I also want you to understand that sex isn't wild crazy, creative and different every single time. Couples usually find what they like and stick to those things for a while and explore with new periodically. Don't pressure the relationship to have something new every time because you'll be constantly disappointed and not just with this g/f, but with ones in the future. Yes, it's great to always be learning new things, but sometimes, the same ole is good too. However, I do understand that you've had the same ole for awhile now.

I guess if there's anything you can respond to in my post, I could provide more thoughts.

Ann

[one4themoney]

Thanks for the reply! We're in our mid 20's by the way.

It's not that she's resistive to new things, or that she dislikes sex, or that she's afraid of sex... She's actually quite like me, which is what makes it frustrating! She likes to try new things, she's open to exploration, but she's shy and so she doesn't want to be the one doing the exploring or suggesting the new thing. 98% of the time, it's my idea, and my suggestion... and that gets pretty old. When it's my idea, there's no surprise level, or wondering "wow what's she up to?", and it may not be as great an experience because of that.

So I guess I'm saying that I would like for her to do different things without being prompted... take some initiative, be proactive! Even if we're doing something simple like changing positions, I'm the one who has to suggest the new position most of the time... something I know she could figure out for herself!