I miss my baby

[Delilah]

Hi everyone,
My name is Delilah (Lilah for short) and this is my first ever post! So please bear with me and forgive me if I do something "wrong".

I have been in a relationship with my fiance for just over 5 years. From the beginning our sex life has been a bit bumpy. When we first started seeing each other, my fiance was extremely shy/nervouse, whenever we fooled around he would not initiate, for example we would be having a steamy pash session and he just would not put his hands anywhere!!! I would be sitting there begging for his hands to fondle me! Lol. As the months went by he slowly started doing things, however it was 5 months before we even had intercourse!
Anyway, there were many attempts at intercourse but he was so nervous he could never "perform". I was always patient and understanding and I knew it was just his nerves and not a reflection on myself or what he felt for me. The first time we had intercourse, I took him to a hotel blindfolded and tied him up. He had no idea what was coming and I think thats what finally helped him relax and overcome his nerves.
My fiance and I both love role playing and bondage etc, so in the past 5 years we have used toys, rope, whips etc etc. We have done it all. However, even though we have opened up and explored this way, he still has issues. I have chatted to him numerous times about the issues, and he assures me it doesn't stem from anything bad from his past, or anything humiliating etc etc. For soem reason unknown to him, he just suffers from nerves and shyness, even after all this time together, he also states he finds it really difficult to initiate.
So anyway, being a girl who loves sex to be spontaneous and unplanned, i struggle with the initiating part. However, I put my struggles aside and initiate and someitmes it works etc. Anyway, my issue is now that our sex is so far and in between that I am struggling with it all and I am over his promises of our sex life improving!
We will go whole months with no sex! I am left to fend for myself and I am getting sick of it. I have been patient, understanding and such a nice fiance about it for so many years that i am now at my wits end. Its gotten to the point where I am crying myself to sleep. He has promised me over and over that things will improve but he never comes through on his promises so how can I believe him! I am also no longer interested in his excuses of being tired durign the week! I get up half an hour later then him, work all day, work out afterwards and still I have the engergy for sex!
We got engaged just recently in September and we didnt even have sex on the day he proposed!!! LOL!
I just don't know what to do. I dont even know what I want to hear, but any thoughts or advice will be much appreciated!
This week has been horrible, he tried to initiate and it just put me off, it felt so forced and put me off. Then last night I tried to initiate and he just lost it, he was upset and today he has text me telling me he is scared that I will leave him, but he was willing to do whatever it takes to fix the problem and he doesnt think these issues warrant a break up.
I dont want to break up with him, I love this man more then anything. He is my soulmate, my best friend and makes me so happy. Well he makes me happy in every way possible except in the bedroom. But what more cna I do??
I am afraid that after the numerous rejections, hard work and rollerocaster ride this has been for me that I am now suffering in a mental way about it all. As in I am just put off and am petrified I will never get my horny self back!

I am really sorry for the long post, I guess I needed to talk to someone about this more then I realised.
Thanks in advance xx Lilah.

[Evle]

Okay Lilah;
First off welcome aboard.
Heck of a problem and it's going to get messy. I think that you have to sit yourself down and ask one simple question... "Is it worth the work?" You have to deside if this relationship with this guy is worth the effort to try and fix it. It sounds like it is... So here is my advice. Talk to someone that knows what's going on. Look into couples counciling. Hopefully, with outside, professional help your relationship can survive and come out the other side stronger for it. Your Fiance does have problems, even if there is no obvious cause for them, something is causing them, they are here, hopefully you can help him correct any problems.
However... you may have to ready yourself to face the bitter truth. This may be how he is. There may not be anything you or a pro or even your fiance can do to fix these issues. At that point, you face two very tough choices. Option one. Deal with it. Marry the man and know that your marriage with him will be just like it is now.
Option two. Leave. Start over with some new guy who is hopefully more in tune to your situation.
Neither of these options are anything like "Good Options", they are both unpleasent drinks. But for your own mental health as well as his, you must be ready to drink them down to the bitter dregs. It may be that you know you can't live like this... You do no one good as a bitter, lonely person. If he is worth it, accept that this is his way and be able to live with it, perhaps for the rest of your life.

Good luck;
Evle

[watershadow]

Welcome to the board, Lilah!

Like Evle said, that's a real pickle of a situation. You say you guys have tried it all? I mean, did you have to convince him to start ALL of the fun things you say you have done, or did he initiate a few times?

Shyness is an interesting problem. There's no real fix for it other than a gain of confidence in the area in which it stems, so here's a possible idea; is there something in the bedroom he does REALLY well? Instead of asking him to have sex and be more spontaneous (which, if it isn't in your nature, is tough), why don't you bring up what you like? Say, "wow, it's always so great when you suck my nipples," or something to that effect. Mentioning the issue over and over again...well, if he had any inklings to try being more on-the-spot, they are probably withered a bit. Please don't take offense at that! It really IS a serious problem.

Second point...he might be lying to you on the something bad in his past thing. It's not something I want to suggest, but the possibility is there. Guys aren't like girls; if something bad happens to us, we tell people because we want to get it out and feel cleansed. If a guy is assaulted or sexually embarrassed as a young lad, it may never see the light of day unless a situation like THIS happens. This brings me to another idea; perhaps, as Evle suggested, you should seek sexual counseling. If you have been together this long, and he clearly has an idea that you enjoy the sex you get (you do, I hope?), and yet he is STILL shy about intimacy with you, there may really be something wrong that's keeping him from getting in touch with his inner sex-fiend.

Above all, if he tries to initiate sex with you, reward his efforts. If he's as shy as you suggest, ANY initiation at all that is encouraged will help build his confidence.

I hope this helps, and that good things happen for you in that area soon!

[Delilah]

Hi guys thanks for the welcomes and the replies.
I read each of your response carefully and it has given me a lot to think about.
In answer to some of the questions.....

When we do have sex its great! He is the first guy I have been with that has made me orgasm simply through intercourse. He is also the only guy that I have come at the same time with (which I love lol).
He has also initiated a lot of the bondage sessions and when he does them, he is really good at them. I love it. He seems to forget his shyness and really go for it. He spanks me, he whips me, he does it all! And its fantastic. So yeah, it really seems to be just the initiating part that causes him the problems.

Since posting the first time I sent him a text message as I was soooo horny! I simply wrote "Why don't we forget all the bullshit and just come home and fuck me". And he did. Lol. And it was really good sex! So our drought has broken.....just wondering how long it will last!

Also I spoke to him again about the whole thing, I discovered something he never mentioned to me but that I always had an inkling of. He said he has been this way with all his previous partners as he just always had body image issues. He beleives that these are not the issues with me as he is 100% comfortable. However, by talking it through I did make him realise that these issues are still affecting him. Also, just to throw another spanner in the works, condoms!! I was always on Birth Control Pills, but after some medical reasons etc I have now stopped them and will NEVER go back on them lol. So we have reverted back to condoms, well we never used them together before now. So for some really fugged up reason, he says he cannot feel anything with the condom on! I mean come on, nothing at all? I even purchased the featherlite type which are supposed to be thinner then normal, the thinnest you can get apparently! So now, I am again at a loss as to what to do about this situation. He tells me he just has to get over it and get used to them! Any ideas with this one??

So, I have decided I will try and compliment him more, send him some sexy messages throughout the day, maybe tell him how much he turns me on etc etc. I do this a bit now but obvioulsy not enough. To be honest I have probably caused him more self esteem issues by telling him "You put me off when you are so awkward!" So I guess I need to stop with that.

Anyway, again thanks for the replies and if you have read this post too, thank you!

Lilah xx