Sex Life Issues

[Bapper]

OK, a few months ago my wife had a lesbian affair it confused her and nearly ended our marriage. After a 6 week relationship with this girl, and about a month of seperation we decided to attempt to make things work. We have always gotten along very well, and with the girl out of the picture things started going back to normal. The only problem we have left really is sex. In the last month that we've been back together we've had sex a handful of times. Most times it is pretty good, but last night, and a few times it wasn't. That typical of course, but now when she doesn't look to enjoy it, I think it's bc she's thinking of the girl or maybe she doesn't really want me. I used to be somewhat decent at foreplay, going down on her that type of thing, but now I feel like I can't do it anymore, I've forgotten what I did that worked, and feel like a 15 year old virgin all over again.

Any suggestions on getting past this?

Thanks.

[Budde]

Well I would be curious to know why she choose a woman, has she felt that she wanted to be with a woman for a long time so maybe her feeling were suppressed or was it just a curiosity thing. For the most part from what I have been told by many women sex for a woman is more about the emotional romantic aspect rather then the physical. Men can have sex just for the sake of getting off where as women look more for the emotion content. As this is a generality of course I'm sure there are many women who just want sex for sex sake also. The only one who could answer that question in your wife's case is her. All that aside first thing is to put this woman and the thought that you can't do things as well as she did etc. right out of your head. Maybe your wife wanted more sexually then she was getting form her ever think of it that way? Go back to basics, listen to her, make sex all about satisfying her. Read her body language, ask her if she likes what your doing or just look for the signs and what ever you do A: don't be in a rush and B: DO NOT bring up her ex-lesbian lover. As far as your concerned she is dead and buried, it could only lead to unwanted or unneeded tension between you two. Whats done is done.
You obviously love each other enough to try and make it work then look for the spark that originally kindled the flames way back when.

[Bapper]

We still get along on many levels it's just that sex has become awkward. She experimented a bit in high school, but this was different. This girl moved into my apartment while I was away, and during that time and before right before had my wife convinced she was a repressed gay woman. I always knew my wife was bi, but this has me stressed. I would try and forget about her, but there are things that I just can't get passed.

1. They still work together. Now they work with a large group of people, and apparently now ignore each other, except when it comes to work, but still.

2. They communicated via text message during the time before I left, and I found a bunch of them on my wifes phone right after I found out. In the weeks following my return she kept texting my wife, first to say she loved her and missed her, then to say she hates her, then to say I wish we could be friends, and then back to loving, and or hating. The messages and anonymous phone calls have finally stopped, but everytime my wife picks up her cell phone I look over and cringe a bit.

[Bapper]

Yesterday, we finally had sex for the first time in like 10 days. She came home from work right before I was supposed to go in, and was in the mood, but we just didn't have the time. So I came back a few hours later, and she was out of the mood by then, her moods tend to come and go very quickly. But I still tried, and she let me. I started by going down on her, but noticed no reaction, so I tried fingering her still nothing, so finally we proceed to have sex and we try a few positions, I get off, but she doesn't enjoy it. A few minutes later we tried again with her on top, and she had an orgasm, but was ready to stop directly after. We talked afterwards which is becoming an annoying tradition, not that I don't want to talk, but it's usually about how good it was, and if she d idn't enjoy it what was wrong. We've had bad sex on occasion in the past, but now it seems to be a big deal. She says she loves me, but and I want to say this carefully, isn't really into doing physical things with me much. She pulls away when I go to kiss her, and she said previously she didn't mind. She says she loves me, but has trouble reigniting our physical relationship. I've been home 7 weeks, and we've had sex on and off since. Sometimes she gets off, and sometimes she doesn't, but when she doesn't and it's obvious she's not there it effects me. The last time we had sex, it was right after the L Word, and she was more in the mood. This bothers me a bit, bc I'm still worried that she might not be bi, but gay. She's worried about that a little too, bc she wants to be with me, but isn't getting satisfied as often as she used to before this happened.

Do we have any hope in reestablishing a decent sex life? I'm trying to make it less stressful, but when she doesn't enjoy it, it is hard not to try and pry. The last 3 months have been the most painful of my life, and I just want that to end. If she's gay, then I want her to be, and just let me know, but right now she thinks she's bi, and we've talked about lesbian porn, and maybe a threesome somewhere up the line so she can be with a woman, andI'm fine with that. But I believe that she's still trying to decide, and it's putting my mind through the wringer.

[Budde]

First of all I have to say this other woman is a scumbag plain & simple. Seems to me she took advantage of your wife when she was in a vulnerable state. Being gay or straight has nothing to do with it, when a relationship ends be it good or bad people need time to heal and become whole again. Then it's time to move on. Rebound relationships are never good. This woman convinced her she was a repressed gay woman for her own benefit. Do your best to out her out of your mind and concentrate your energy on your wife. What do you mean by the L word? Are you saying you love her or is she saying she loves you? Is there a lack of this in your relationship, if so this maybe what she's looking for. It's my understanding that sex for women for the most part is more about the emotional connection rather then the physical one. That's why a lot of women find it hard to swallow if their partner cheats on them and says it was just for sex. Sex= emotional attachment for most women. There are many women who enjoy sex just for physical gratification and there's nothing wrong or right about that either. So maybe your wife is lacking the love in the relationship? If I were in your situation I would try and go back to square one. Back to when you first met and see if you can find what it was the first ignited the spark between the two of you. It's obviously easier said then done and it's supposed to be all about her and making her feel good etc. but you have your needs and wants too. This does sound like the sort of situation that a professional therapist would be your best source of information and advice.

[Bapper]

The L Word is a program that runs on showtime about lesbians in L.A. while I was gone she started renting the series, and now is hooked. She likes it for the characters, but it annoys me since it's about lesbians, and she got into it while this was all going on.

As for the other L word, I've always been a good loving husband, I always let her know how much I love her. And always tried to be romantic, when this happened she said it was mostly about the way this girl made her feel physically. So now of course when we have sex, I'm trying to be as good as I can. In the past our sex life was pretty good. She always seemed to have orgasms, and enjoy it. Now she'll enjoy it some of the time, but at least 50% gets nothing out of it. That brings me down emotionally, and I spend the rest of the evening trying to figure out why. We have gotten over this on pretty much all levels, but sex always reminds me of what happened, and how hard it is to get past it.

[Budde]

I am not a therapist by no stretch of the imagination so take this with a grain of salt but it sure sounds like she's hung up on this lesbian thing. I know it's difficult at best living with a ghost or should I say the memory of one. It doesn't seem that she's putting in the same amount of effort as you are in remedying this situation which in the end will only result in her feeling better on many levels. I firmly believe you'll get better answers form a therapist

[Bapper]

OK, I'm getting very anxious and depressed.

Things were going sort of good until about 2 weeks ago, until one night while we were fighting I tried to force myself on her. Since then she's become very resentful sexually, and the sex life we were redeveloping went down the tubes.

I've been out of full time work for about 3 months, and have been temping to help make ends meet since I've been back, but our finances have caused stress, and between that and sex the last 2 weekends when we've been off together we've been fighting like cats and dogs.

I can tell we still love each other, and I still have a lot of desire for her, but she does not return that feeling. Ever since last weeks horrible sex, it seems like she's even more distant than before.

She says she is no longer sexually attracted to me, and has been dreaming of women. Also, she cannot remember the last time she was happy with our sex life. This to me is very peculiar, because before this happened she seemed to have orgasms 95% of the time we had sex.

Neither one of us have a great memory, and I think that this experience made her forget that. The talk about us seperating permanently has been getting more serious. She says she's afraid she'll never be fully happy. At first I thought that meant on all grounds, but we still get along like we always have, and she admits it. She just thinks that physically she'll never be where she wants.

I keep asking her if she's gay, because of the dreams and the lack of attraction, and all she tells me is "I don't know." I ask her if we did seperate would she date women, she says "maybe." She doesn't want to give a definitive answer, because that could potentially end our marriage.

I want things to work out, and I'm hoping and praying they do, but I need to remain calm and I don't know how, or if there is any point to trying any of this anymore.

[Bapper]

Oh yeah, during our talking yesterday she wondered aloud if it was common for people to go what she called "these sexual phases" into there 20's. Most people she knows who are gay, knew it as a teenager. But i've heard and she's been told some people discover that later. The difference is she tried multiple times then, I believe and have always maintained she is bi. She is also bipolar as well, so I think that contributes. Of course right now I blame myself. After this happened, and we temp. seperated I couldn't get over it, and couldn't accept that she wanted me back. So we fought about that, and the L word, and when I forced myself on her the other week, (which is something I've never done, nor would ever have conceived of doing) I think I shattered her, and destroyed my marriage. She doesn't want me to leave. Neither one of us can afford to live in this city alone, and I don't think she wants to try. I've threatened leaving the last few weeks though because of all the fighting. Now she no longer trust me. She said that when we first met she trusted me instantly and between these instances I've blown 6 years of trust and love in 5 seconds.

[Hope]

reading these last few posts from you about the whole situation, it is kind of sounding to me like she's trying to make it your responsibility for the relationship ending so that she doesnt have to feel any guilt over it later (not to mention her own responsibility in the whole thing).

Let me ask you this - despite the mistakes that have been made, do you want to be with her still? does she still want to be with you? are you both willing to make an equal effort to make it work out?

when you love someone, you love them. That part doesnt change no matter how much you may hate them for a moment, an hour, or a day.