Not his usual type

[Hope]

The boyfriend and I have been discussing things recently about our relationship and some of these conversations have really killed my sex drive completely. I would like it back and am resorting to asking for advice, finally.

Basically, the most recent conversation has been what's really gotten to me. He's gone on about how I'm not his usual type in terms of what he looks for in a girl. And it's weird, because it's not like he mentioned anything really regarding personality, it was all mainly about physical appearance. I really dont know what to think anymore. I feel like because I'm taller than the girls he usually goes for, and heavier, and have bigger boobs, and a flatter ass that he's never going to want more than what we've currently got right now. This bothers me a lot. Like all of a sudden it's okay for him to sleep with me for the time being, until someone that fits his "type" comes along. We've been together for just more than two years now and despite the ups and downs in our sex life, I think this is the first time that I really dont want to have sex with him. I feel so extremely unattractive and like he's only having sex with me because I'm available.... and willing.

I'm kind of at a point right now where I dont know what to do anymore. I want to be with him because I do care an awful lot about him, and may even love him. At the same time, I'm not about to change myself like that for someone else. I want to want to have sex with him. I dont know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any thoughts/suggestions?

[ConkleEngaged]

Hope - its not ok for someone to make you feel insecure or unattractive about yourself. Its a very negative thing also in a relationship. I am kinda in the same boat with you, but on the other side. You have to think for yourself. How important is sex to you. Do you love him enough , or care for him enough to stay with him and work this sitation out. Or find someone that you diserve that will love all of you, and not just apart of you. Someone who you diserve to love, that will give you everthing and not just a part of something. In the long run it is not fair to you because you are being cheated sexually because of what he is making you feel. And he might not mean to make you feel like that but its not a nice thing to do. I think you need to speak with him, and work things out. For being 2 years, that a long time.

[Luvoral]

Originally Posted by Hope

The boyfriend and I have been discussing things recently about our relationship and some of these conversations have really killed my sex drive completely. I would like it back and am resorting to asking for advice, finally.

Basically, the most recent conversation has been what's really gotten to me. He's gone on about how I'm not his usual type in terms of what he looks for in a girl. And it's weird, because it's not like he mentioned anything really regarding personality, it was all mainly about physical appearance. I really dont know what to think anymore. I feel like because I'm taller than the girls he usually goes for, and heavier, and have bigger boobs, and a flatter ass that he's never going to want more than what we've currently got right now. This bothers me a lot. Like all of a sudden it's okay for him to sleep with me for the time being, until someone that fits his "type" comes along. We've been together for just more than two years now and despite the ups and downs in our sex life, I think this is the first time that I really dont want to have sex with him. I feel so extremely unattractive and like he's only having sex with me because I'm available.... and willing.

I'm kind of at a point right now where I dont know what to do anymore. I want to be with him because I do care an awful lot about him, and may even love him. At the same time, I'm not about to change myself like that for someone else. I want to want to have sex with him. I dont know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any thoughts/suggestions?

If you love someone,you make them feel secure in everyway,not just sexually.After two years your not his type of girl because of your assets?...look for someone who appreciates you[your mind,body and soul]..Are you willing to change your boob size?That can be done but what about your height?.....You need someone who makes you feel good inside and out..Next you'll have to repair your heart.

[igor]

Originally Posted by Hope

Like all of a sudden it's okay for him to sleep with me for the time being, until someone that fits his "type" comes along.

I feel so extremely unattractive and like he's only having sex with me because I'm available.... and willing.

That's what it sounds like to me. You don't fit his idea of perfection but you are willing and there for him. I'd look elsewhere I think.

[Winterwhite]

Hope,
Not to contradict what's been said, but rather to offer the other-side-of-the-coin perspective:

First, have you told him what he said made you feel this way? Does he realize that what he said was taken hurtfully?

Second, I offer this only as an alternative, freely taken or left - but I have said the same to my fiancée, but I meant it in a way that the difference was welcomed, that it was good to change my ways, and so I suggest taking a look at his past history, at the results of his relationships with women 'of his type', and see if they were successful. Consider the fact that if his 'type' really were the best suited to him, then why did they all end, and you have been with him happily for two years plus?
What was my 'type' was domineering women, what I then called 'strong' women, but now understand to be women who didn't respect me and therefore used and abused me. That, since having met my incredible SO, I have discovered was due to a terrible phase of 'lack of self-worth', and that I was drawn to sources of unhappiness. So yes, by dating my fiancée, I was effectively dating someone 'not my type', and by God am I glad for it. He may learn that you are and always have been his 'type' after all... i.e. that psychologically he's finally allowed himself to be with the one 'type' of woman who truly makes him happy.

That what he mostly referred to was physical is not surprising - it's easy to describe physicality. Dig further and see if it's not something more, a set of character traits, because he may only (now, without assistance) be able to describe it mostly in terms of appearance, but if given the means to see further, may explain it in better terms, not only for you, but for himself too. You will then be able to see his reaction to his realisation(s).

I re-iterate that this may or may not be the case... have a talk with him, let him know gently that it hurt and find out if that's what he truly meant. If he's mature and admits that it was what he meant, then you have your indication to find someone else. If, however, he is given a chance to better explain himself, and you see that he was trying to express something along those lines, then by all means, let him know how he can heal the wounds he'd inadvertently caused, and be happy that you are his champion

[Hope]

that's what I've been telling myself Winterwhite. I'm just having a hard time fully accepting it all the time. I've dated guys in the past that have said something similar and then talked myself into thinking it was just meant as a fleeting comment that wasnt meant as anything - and those guys really were assholes. This one, I kinda get the feeling that he's trying to find excuses to not get any closer than he already is. The commitment fear and all. There are days that I think I could be ready to make that next step, but I know he's nowhere near it. I dont know. It's just a weird situation to be in.

And I did bring this up to him in a slightly joking manner... about how my not being his type must make me "extra special" since I'm so far different from all the others he's been with. He gave me this glare like "wow you are really stretching things" but he didnt deny it either. Time will tell, I guess.