Porn, Lust & Committment

[MeBlogger]

I'm 10 months into a relationship with my best friend of 5 years...
everyone says, "aw, thats so sweet."
Best friends getting together is a wonderful thing, don't get me wrong. We are so open with one another and it is really a beautiful thing. We barely ever fight, but sometimes we argue - mostly in a very healthy way. I love him so much, I always have - and I know that I forever will.
Throughout the course of our relationship he's admitted he thinks I love him more than he loves me. Most relationships have one side that loves more than the other. But at the end of the day, we both love.
Since about a month into our relationship he told me that he watches a lot of porn. I didn't think anything of it, because almost every man on earth watches porn. Some do it several times a day, and some none at all.
One afternoon I was on his computer - a mac - which was a new world for me....and I tried to find a website address that I stumbled onto a few days earlier. It took me forever, but I found the history tab and opened it. I was astonished. Some days there would be 11 or so different pornos hed watch. I was so alarmed, but didn't say anything. I monitored it for the next couple of months behind the curtain, so I could figure out what kind of guy he is. On average he would watch the equivalent of about 4 pornos a day. Thats roughly 120 videos a month.
I decided to confront him about the issue.
We talked about it in length, and still do on, from time to time.
Over the next few months there was, on occasion, a few times the he couldnt keep an erection during sex - making me feel incompetent in that area. He finally admitted that some days he watches porn 3 or 4 times, and watches porn at least once every day.
It was alarming to me, because it was becoming an issue in our bedroom.
He started to feel guilty about it, and ended up discussing it with his therapist, who told him that it is completely normal to do it as often as he likes, so long as it doesnt get in the way of his relationships or social obligations. I agreed, and we came to the conclusion that it would be best if he maintained only doing it once a day, if at all.
Let me paint a picture - he would watch porn often enough - and jack off enough that he would get little calices on his dick. However, its always without lubricant...
Nonetheless, he made it about 2 weeks, before he relapsed.
I called him about 5 days ago and asked him to come sleep at my place, and he said, "oh, its kind of late now, I think I'm just going to go to sleep." And I was like, "Oh yea? Dont have plans?" he laughed, because we know eachother so well, and he knew I was asking if he was planning on watching porn, and he said, "I already have my one time today." We said our loves-yous and goodnight. And yesterday he was so guilt stricken that he admitted that when he was on the phone with me, he knew he was going to hang up with me and watch porn. And that he had jacked off 2 times those two days.
I wasnt that upset about watching porn, i was upset, however, because he chose to watch porn rather than coming to my place and having sex with a real live person. He knows he has a problem. So I'll leave that issue right there.
Now, yesterday, before the admission of the over porning - we went to hang out with a couple of his old friends from highschool - were both 23 now - We hung out with Lisa, and Jenn - he actually told me he wanted to see his friend Adams band, but when we got to the show, I could tell that he was majorly sexually attracted to Lisa. It was like a male dog finding a bitch in heat. So when he asked me to come outside and hang out with his friends instead of watching the show, I opted out of it. I didn't want to subject myself to feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. Fortunatly for me, my roommate, Jules came too...so I just attached myself to his hip and we partied and watched the band. After the show we went back to Lisa's house, and all hung out. She was trying very hard to make my boyfriend laugh and was successful - His attraction towards he heightened, and I could feel it manifesting itself into a large question mark in my heart. I wasn't jealous, I rarely am, but I was kind of hurt. Because it was an insatiable feeling - you know, the one where youre with your boyfriend and you know that youre in a room with 100 people and there's one girl hes soo attracted too - he desires her even more than he desires you.
Before we left her house, I went into the bathroom, and she said to him, "You should come up with a personal crisis so you can sneak over here." I heard him question what she meant, but didn't quite catch exactly what he was saying. I hugged her when we showed up, but threw her a peace sign as we left...because I wasn't sure what she meant, and I wanted to see if my man would tell me about the situation. He didn't bring it up...so I did.
He told me that he wasn't really sure what she meant, and that he figured that either it came out wrong, or he took it wrong, because he couldnt imagine this long time friend hitting on him so obviously like that. He admitted that he is greatly attracted to her, but also said that when I'm in social situations with him like that that he flirts more, because he's more comfortable because he knows nothing can happen. I like that...I actually really enjoy seeing him flirt or be flirted with. If he shows me a great deal of affection and shows these girls that he loves me. He didn't do that though. Nonetheless, he admitted that he used to mess around with Jenn and Lisa in high school, that they have a past. They never had sex, he doesn't have that much experience with sex, but they would do everything else. He said it makes him feel so guilty in times like that - and it makes him question if hes in the right relationship being with me - im his first 'real' girlfriend.He thought that when he was in love that things like this wouldnt be so powerful over him.
I feel like he gets fixated on the thoughts of sex. Just like being addicted to porn, he is usually fixed with at least one girl, other than myself all the time. There have been several in the course of our relationship. Sara, Jordan, Katie, Kate....but I can tell you that he is the most honest person I know. In the entirety of our friendship I can't recall even one lie, because it kills him insdie. And hes a very genuine person - so cheating isn't the biggest concern for me. But part of me feels like his mind could easily be taken away with things having to do with sex.
There are little things that are involved in this too - like him not liking to make out that much, unless he's wanting to get laid. Or PDA, or like today - when I said, "hey, I'm getting in the shower, wanna join me?" And he was like, "nah, I dont have a condom." He isnt the most affectionate person - but hes also the guy that will just come over to be and put his arms around me. Sometimes though, i feel like he does that to try to make me think he really loves me. Or just about everyime we talk on the phone, he will end the conversation with, "i love you." but its what 'people do in relationships' so its almost like something he feels like he has to say.
I love the times when he tells me im so beautiful, but I hate the fact that he admits that sometimes hes not attracted to me physically at all.
He doesnt just tell me these things, I usually ask a question that leads to the answers.
Dont ask, dont tell.
Perhaps thats the way to live. Blinded and covered - revert back to the womb, where you just exist and pretend youre so safe that you dont even have to think.
But I'm just not that way.
Do you think that people can ever just love? I mean - it's like...when you really love someone, like I love him...he could be sooo ugly one day. Dishoveled, and looking exhausted, but I'm always attracted to him. Because I love him. Every last inch of his whole body - all the time. I love when he looks like crap, and I'm just as attracted to him. Because he is him....
Do men ever love that way? Or is it just some childhood ideal of what I want to believe love is?

[ConkleEngaged]

MeBlogger -

It is not a childhood ideal. My ex girlfriend I loved to a point she could of been really ugly to alot of people but was always gorgeous to me. I even had friends approach me and say I could do better. But everyday when I saw her, she was gorgeous, and then she cheated so that changed. And its hard for both of you to feel the same exact emotion. If you do, you will be together for always and forever. So yes men do love that way, and I have before. And I wish I could find someone I could do that to. My fiance, I have not felt that yet, but I really do hope I do. But ti might come where he may never feel that way about you. It's to the point of, are you ready to intake that kind of pressure the rest of your life. Or find someone who can find you as attractive as you do to them. Its all in your heart hunny. Hope this helps.

[Gooch]

A few times a week. It used to be every time I was bored and had about ten minutes to kill. But since I got involved in a relationship, I have a gf that likes to take care of that kind of thing for me. But she can't always be there, and I still have free time on my hands. (Among other things. )

[Budde]

I a word Grow up, please your sounding like freaking Dr. Phil. You said and I quote "but I can tell you that he is the most honest person I know. In the entirety of our friendship I can't recall even one lie, because it kills him inside. And hes a very genuine person" so why not leave it at that? If he weren't happy with you or didn't love you don't you think this most honest person would tell you. I am married to my best friend, she wasn't my best friend when we met but has since become my soul mate, my buddy, my confidant, you name it. I have no secretes form my wife my computer included, thats why she doesn't SNOOP! Yes you spied on your boyfriends activities IE: porn watching and kept tabs on him? You actually took the time to calculate out what it translated into time wise. Way too much thought there, let me ask you during or before the big snoop was he derelict in his love making or sexual affection towards you? Ok you stumbled on it by an honest mistake, but if he honestly thought he was doing something wrong or wanted to hide it from you do you think he would have trusted you on his computer? His therapist is right, it's perfectly normal for him to watch porn and jerk off. Sound sort of like until you pegged him with it and obviously made him uncomfortable with it he didn't have a problem and didn't have something he thought he now had to hide form you. No one has the right to try and change their partner, you are who you are for better or worse and you except that person for that. I believe I recall hearing that in my marriage vows. All you need to now is that he loves you and loves you the best he knows how. What other people do or think or may want you to think means nothing. You know what porn watching gets old after a while and unless you have an addictive personality sooner or later you say ah shit I would much rather have the real thing. It's like watching a bad car wreck on the side of the highway. It's a curiosity more then anything else.
The best thing two people can do in a relationship is trust each other and be there for the other person. Have you ever offered to watch porn with him? Even if it isn't your thing why not give it a try be part of his world, and when he's all hot and bothered you take care of business it has a much better effect trust me. It's not something you have to or need to do all the time but whats it gonna hurt. It will show him your ok with it and want to be part of his world. He will and should reciprocate naturally.

[Vensanto]

Sometimes I watch a few porno clips a day on my mac, but I'm only looking for that ten seconds at the end. I wouldn't worry stress the quantity. I think it would only be a problem if he was, say, watching anal videos and all of a sudden that's all the wanted to do with you is anal and wasn't interested in much else. We're singular creatures, us guys.