masturbation ruining my marriage

[Luvlife09]

Hi all, thanks for this site. I am desperate for help and or advice.

I have been married less than a year to my husband...we have been together 6 yrs. Im 39, hes 27. We have always had incredible sex and he claims he desires me as much as he always has. The frequency of sex has plummeted from 4 or 5 times a week, to about once every 10 days. He masturbates daily, sometimes 3 and 4 times a day. I'll say first there are several factors that come in to play when it comes to the frequency, one large one being we have kids at home, and well, anyone that has kids knows whats im talking about. However, every since he has lived with me there have been kids around, and it has never been this infrequent.

I was unaware of his masturbation habits (ie it being so frequent) until about 2 yrs ago. When I discovered he was doing this I didnt say anything...I dont have a problem with masturbation, and I figured as long as our sex life was still good, It wasnt worth mentioning. Then, things started to slow up...he was always "tired" at night...too tired for sex..even as early as 9pm...he wouldnt turn me down, perse' he just would knock out and be unavailable. Its like he had no "need" for it anymore and there was no urgency.

I became increasingly aware of the masturbating habits...first it was to porn on the computer, every morning...even if I was available to have sex with, he chose the porn and his hand. I confronted him about it, told him it made me feel shitty that he would rather yank it, than be with me and that it was starting to make me question myself and my self esteem...He apologized...said he in no way meant to hurt my feelings, and that from now on he would curtail it to a more "acceptable" amount and that he would come to me instead, if I was awake and available.

Well, he lied, and continued to lie about it every time I asked him. I knew he was still doing it every day, he just got a lot sneakier about it...he wasnt having sex with me any more often, and like I say, when I would ask...he would lie and say he was only doing it once in awhile, when infact he was still doing it upwards of 3 or 4 times a day.

I let it go for the longest time, but recently it came up again. he lied again. I lost it. I told him it felt like he was taking his sexual desires outside of our relationship and that it was really wreaking havac on my self esteem. Who wants a man that would rather jack off than be with them? Its very upsetting. I also found it harder and harder to have sex with him, I was becoming increasinly more turned off by him, knowing full well that in a few hours he'd be sitting there jerking off. I felt like I was never good enough, no matter what I did.

A few weeks ago I approached him about it again, after he complained that I didnt act like I "wanted him" enough last time we had sex. I explained how his actions made it very difficult for me to "want him" and how it had gotten so bad, that I almost look at him with disgust when it comes to sex. He apologized again, claimed he had no idea how bad it had gotten and promised AGAIN that things would change.

enter today....hes still doing it. Every day..and lying about it.

Im at a loss. This is destroying my relationship with him and my sexual attraction to him. The dishonesty is the worst part.

Let it be known that there is nothing I wont do in the bedroom with this man, I am extremely liberal sexually, and I have zero limitations in that area. We used to have amazing sex that was incredibly fulfilling. I am older than him by 12 yrs, but he claims to find me extremely attractive and desirable. I have never had self esteem issues in my life, Im a (by most peoples assessment) attractive woman with excellent "skills" and a fair amount of experience. I love sex, have a very healthy appetite and could never be viewed as cold or prude-ish.

I adore my hsuband, outside of this issue, he is a fantastic guy...and I can not bear the thought of divorcing him over this, but I honestly do NOT know what to do anymore!

please help!!

[igor]

My own thoughts on this are that anyone that "needs" to masturbate several times a day has a real problem. His preferring it over having sex with you is not right. I believe he definetly needs professional counseling.

[Luvoral]

How does he have all this time on hand/penis,espically with kids.If he's not taking care of you sexually and pulling his pud 3-4 times a day I would put my foot down or up his ass....They say that porn can be addicting,which could be one reason for his inmature behavior and lack of responsibilites.Doesn't he have a job?

He's got a wife that's willing to do all the things he sees on porn,yet would rather see his sperm go down the drain instead of down your throat?...Not insulting you,but at 39 you mostly don't look like those 18 yr.old babes on the computer..But that's besides the point,He married you and needs to be a responsible husband and father....

The worst part is that he's lying to you,that doesn't make him a fantastic guy,in the bedroon or out...Go get him one of those cock chasity cages with a lock.If he breaks off the lock and continues his pattern,then put his suitcase on the front porch and make sure the door hits him in the ass.He doesn't need a consular,he needs to grow up....

[Luvlife09]

He does have a job, a very demanding one actually...12 hr days, 6 days a week. Most of his "fun" takes place in the mornings very early, before anyone wakes up...then he has admitted to doing it while at work as well.

no, at 39 I definitely dont look 18...but I look quite good for 39 and I know it isnt an attraction problem, he is extremely affectionate and "touchy" with me and is constantly complimenting me and wanting to be all over me. He doesnt ignore me in the slightest when it comes to that...its just when 10 pm rolls around...hes done for the day...and I maintain has no NEED for sex because of the masturbating in the morning.

My biggest problem is the lying. Obviously. Porn really isnt an issue anymore...he doesnt even get on the computer...he avoids it because it is a source of me "catching" him...so he is wanking it to his "thoughts" only..we dont have any mags or other material around.

When I say hes fantastic...im speaking of outside of this issue. He works very hard to provide for the household, he is very sweet natured and kind, funny, he adores my children..and is very very good to them, he does anything I ask of him (again, outside of this issue) and will drop anything he is doing to do for me if I need him. If I could just understand WHY this is happening and HOW to stop it...things would be a lot better. He doesnt like to talk about it, because he says it is embarassing, and he hates for me to look at him in a bad light.

Throwing him out isnt an option...we just found out we are expecting a baby. I just want him to get help, and get a handle on this...and I dont know how to approach it without being angry, or feeling jaded and shit upon. uggggh.

Thank you for your responses!

[Luvoral]

Sorry I missed some of the facts and certainly wasn't saying you aren't a beautiful woman at 39.I have beautiful friends who are 40's and 50's who we still catch the eyes of many younger men....Also glad he has a job and seems to be a hard worker which is most likely why is tired by ten pm....

Like most men while he is getting his sleep/rest he is regaining his strenght and obvious his sexual urges.By morning he is in full stride...Have you thought of changing the house hours.Eating earlier,getting the kids to bed eariler so you two can get to bed before ten,maybe 8ish...Maybe even once in awhile a baby sitter while you two jump in the shower,have the doors locked and some early evening fun.

My H/b worked 7 days a week from april to X-mas for 25 yrs.He would go to bed by 8-10 and I would go about 11-12.By then he would be rested some and always be glad for some sex,sometimes a lot and then get 3-4 more hours of sleep,waking up at 4:30...Sometimes we had sex then and I got somemore sleep after he left for work....

It's not easy when you have kids,sex becomes 2nd and 3rd priorites[normal]..But I learned one thing,that talking out problems ,solving them is the only answer..We all make mistakes and have problems[such as his]..Tell him there is nothing he can't talk to you about and there is nothing to be embarrased about,we've all masturbated,been foolish,done stupid things.But not talking and solving this leaves you with a sexless marriage,and you already know how this is not good for a realationship..

Sorry I jumped the gun and seeking help might be the only answer...The worst thing these days is for kids not to have both parents,and you will both struggle living apart,paying for two seperate households..This he has to understand,that it wouldn't take long before he finds out he won't have any extra time for his habit,unless he gets caught at work and gets fired...Also glad to hear the porn is gone...Best of Luck!

[Luvlife09]

no worries I didnt think you were saying I was unattractive just because I am older, i was just agreeing that, yep, Im not 18, lol but for 39, Im not bad.

The kids are teenagers....I have 4 total, all of them are mine from my first marriage. 2 of them (ages 21 and 18) are living away at college, the 2 remaining are in highschool, and "bedtimes" arent really something I can insist upon past age 12, its just kind of silly.

On school nights they willingly head up to their rooms around 10...so that is why that hour is the magic number, lol.

We always seem to manage a fair amount of sex on the weekend, because he can stay up much longer, but once or twice a week just isnt good enough, and I hate the monday thru friday routine..mostly because I know what he is doing in the mornings and I know I wont be getting any later.

We have talked a lot about this problem...he always seems very willing to make changes and says he understands fully how it is causing issues between us, but then...things dont change, and I get angry, etc. he says its a "crutch", something he has done since he was 13, its "easy" and has basically become a habitual part of his day.

I dont think it is anything against me personally...but that doesnt make it much easier to deal with. It has a certain level of "yuck" to it...and I think that is because of the secrecy and the dishonesty. I get very turned off by him when I think about it, and it makes having sex with him difficult...I have to take my mind to "other" places, lol.

Since the last time we discussed it (about 10 days ago) he says he hasnt done it. I havent caught him, and there has been no evidence that he is doing it, but I still find it very difficult to believe him, and I automatically assume he is lying. uggh.

I really feel professional help is needed, for both of us...for him to get a handle on this, and for me to learn to trust him again.

now, if I can just get him to go....

thanks again for your responses...much appreciated!

[Ann Andriani]

Luvlife,

I am sorry to hear that you are hurting and I thank you for coming back to explain things further. When I read your first post, I thought you went from having a good amount of sex every week to having none at all. But from your last post, it sounds like you are having sex, just not as much as you'd like.

I understand that you feel frustrated and that your man is picking masturbation over you, however, that may not totally be the case. If a man masturbates in the morning and even in the afternoon, he should still have the stamina, especially at 27 years old to have sex later on that night. There's enough time between each release for his body to recharge for another go. So I'm not thinking that he's masturbated too much to have sex with you. If he has a high stress job that he works long hours at, masturbation can provide relief and help people to relax. That may be why he's doing it so often. Did something change in his life or in his job that may be causing him to be under more stress?

The lying can be hurtful, however, he's embarrassed and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, yet you sound like you're checking up on him, watching him and analyzing him. I'm not sure if you're looking to catch him to confront him and he may be very much on guard and if he does have a problem and doesn't want to hurt you, he, he may feel he has to lie to protect you.

Now I know it probably sounds like I'm sticking up for him, I'm just presenting an alternative view. By you constantly analyzing him, you're also putting yourself through enormous turmoil. Men masturbate, some more than others. There have been times that he, for reasons unknown, chose to masturbate when he could have had you. That may be something to look into, but men will masturbate, there's no stopping them, it's just how they're wired. Most times, it has nothing to do with being any less attracted their wives.

Because you're not telling me he's distant in other aspects of your relationship, I'm not thinking there's someone else in the picture. From what you said, you feel he still loves you, so this should be something you can both work on.

I'm not sure I can offer any further answers than to recommend counseling along with everyone else because to me, what started out as maybe a sexual issue, has now turned into something bigger. You say you're having sex on the weekends and I think that's a wonderful sign. Who initiates it you or him? You also mentioned that he's affectionate and touchy with you a sign of him still being attracted. Why don't you both give yourselves a couple of weeks to look at this differently. Plenty of couples can only have sex on the weekends, you may also be one of them. Try to make a compromise here. Don't analyze whether or not he's masturbating or how many times a day he's doing it and don't confront him about it. Then he agrees to at least once, if not more, to initiate sex with you on the weekends and see how that works out. But you can't feel his initiations are forced if he agrees to try this out. You've told him what you want and he's doing it, so you have to just go with it.

I really feel professional help is needed, for both of us...for him to get a handle on this, and for me to learn to trust him again.

now, if I can just get him to go....

I really feel that counseling will only work if you both want to go and if you're going to solve an issue you both have. If you go to counseling placing all blame on him, I'm sure he won't be very receptive to it.

I wish you both the best with this.
Ann