Please do not say anthing mean! Confused about dark secret past ( i am female)

[jess24]

This is completely embarrasing and has been a secret of mine for 12 years. I am looking for advice, not to freak people out, but I need answers, and I hope no one with judge me for this.

At a young age of 8, I first discovered porn. Around the same time, a friend I had at the time suggested we experiment after we stumbled upon a huge box of her parents porn. We then had oral sex for a few seconds but then she got uncomfortable and told her dad, he scared me because I didnt know we were doing something wrong. He said "dont you ever touch my daughter again" and my mom picked me up, assuming he was wrong and I was scared of him after that and embarrased. The friend grew to be a messed up smoker, drug addict, and non virgin by the age of twelve. I am a female. I couldnt stop looking at the porn as we grew apart and even pretended it never happened between us. I was addicted to it, yet didnt start masturbating until later. I did this for awhile until I became 13 or 14 and then started going onto chatrooms having cyber sex with people all the time and had fantasies of someone, anyone, coming to have sex with me. Around then I started to masturbate, and shamefully even masturbated to the sound of my parents having sex. Something about the sound of sex aroused me, no matter who it was. Of course I would be disgusted if I watched them (never ever did that), I imagined their sounds as other people and drowned it out, letting my lust for anything relating to sex take over my morals. Soon I started ONLY being interested in lesbian porn and often thought about experimenting with other females and having sex with them, mostly oral. And masturbating many times a day. Soon my parents became suspicious of my time on the internet and I heard them talking about how worried they were but when they sat me down, they only discussed how mad they were about me going on chatrooms. I started to delete the internet history. As I grew older, I always hid this information and have never spoken to my parents about this, I hide it, yet still feel strongly sexually towards females. Funny thign is, I have always had boyfriends and called myself straight, but two years ago on a drunken night one of my best female friends had oral sex with me, although I was too drunk to even feel it. What does all of this mean? I am drug free, dont drink alot, have friends, am outgoing, very normal. Yet I have a very embarrassing and secret past I cannot figure out. I would never be in a relationship with a female because I am not emotionally attached to them, just sexually interested. Please help my figure my past out. Thank you

[Budde]

I don't know weather you would call it an obsession, a compulsion, a sexual curiosity I don't know. Sounds like your friends father really had a handle on parenting 101. I would say 8 is a bit young to be that obsessed but I am not qualified to say. One thing I can tell you is that no one here will judge you or if anyone tries they will be dealt with so your among friends so to speak.

In all seriousness this sounds like something you should talk to a professional about. We could give you a lot of opinions but weather or not it would be of value to you who knows.

[Luvoral]

We certainly wouldn't judge you and if these feelings are bothering you that much,then talk to someone about it. But don't be embarrassed about your past. The past is the past so try to let it go. We all have secrets of our past,that's just part of life.

The thing is to deal with the feelings you have now. I am bi so I can understand your feelings about having sex with women. I see nothing wrong with having sex with the same sex and still have emotions for the opposite. There is nothing wrong with being bisexual,in fact you get to enjoy both worlds

You did and are not doing anything wrong just because you were introduced to porn and masturbation at a early age. I was taught that being gay/lesbian was taboo and my desires for a woman were hid in the closet way to long where it almost drove me crazy.

Now I get to enjoy who I really am and my life is great.

[Fennec]

I can relate to you almost perfectly. I discovered porn when I was 6 and always curiously looked at it for a long time. I'd had curious experiments with both boys and girls, which I feel guilty about today since I was so young when I did those things, and when I was 12 I met a girl who I used to do all sorts of things with that I never confessed to. I didn't go into chatrooms and cyber, but I did have a few select on-line friends who would do 'roleplay' sex scenes with me.
For a long time I said I was straight, and dated guys, but I experimented with girls and often got a bit closer than friends would (kissing, groping, feeling up) I wound up becoming confused with myself when I was 16 and started to think that I felt more masculine than feminine, it was something I always felt since a young age but I never outwardly showed it. For the longest time I told people to call me a boy and I claimed I was bi, or 'gay both ways', as in I felt like a bi male even though I was a female.
With my ex boyfriend I had a little more open relationship and I had a girlfriend as well, though she and I didn't get to go too far because she moved away.
I still have interest in the female body, but I admit now that I'm a girl and quite happy with being one. I can't picture myself in a serious relationship with a girl, but I do like the idea of flirting with them and doing things with them. I know a lot of girls like this where I am, in fact I could argue that a sleepover with 7 teenage girls can get much naughtier than any boy hangouts I've ever heard of.

Just to let you know, my entire life I was brought up by an extremist christian mother so I always felt guilty about it and that I was doing something horribly wrong that I couldn't stop doing. Now, I realize it's just a part of who I am. I still flirt with some girls I know that are perfectly fine with it, and my boyfriend (who used to be very protective and closed to the idea of me doing anything close to personal with girls, even cuddling) has learned to accept it as a part of me and even thinks now that it would be kind of hot to see me fool around with a girl. He knows I don't think seriously of relationships with one, so he's learned it's no threat to our relationship.
If you can find a boyfriend who can accept that part of you then you'll feel much better, I'm sure. You'll be free to experiment and find what you like, and don't feel bad about yourself. It's fine to be attracted to the female body and be curious about sex with them, let's face it, the female body is pretty damn hot and hard to resist for any gender in my opinion. Plus another female would know more about what turns a girl on than a lot of guys out there, since she obviously knows what she herself likes. Just make sure you do things with girls who understand you're not planning on a serious relationship, and a boyfriend willing to allow you to play around with girls.