Couples Masturbation Question

[frustrated22]

I'm looking for advice from the ladies on this.

I'm a 35 year old male that has been married for 9 years to a women that is about 3 years older than me. We have 2 young children that demand a lot of our attention.

I would like to explain my situation and then ask for some advice from the ladies.

Here it goes:

Since I've been married our sex life has been o.k. even in the beginning my wife has not really gotten into sex a whole lot but she does it to just try and please me. If it were up to her we would probably only have sex about once or twice a month. (Although she wasn't like that before we got married?)

I'm a really sexual person and feel that sex is a very important part of marriage and after several battles with her on the issue she agreed to have sex with me at least twice a week.

My wife works full-time as do I and she said that she would be able to do this on the weekends only. So during the week in order to full fill myself I have to masturbate. I hate doing this because I would much rather be with her but I have to make do.

Anyways about a 2 months ago I decided I wanted to try and spice up our weekend sex and I bought a couple of toys for us. 1 bullet vibrator and 1 G spot vibrator.

During our sex now we use these toys and she has really loved using them. It's amazing the orgasms she has with them and how much fun our sex is on the weekends.

My wife and I sleep in different places of the home. I sleep in the basement and she sleeps upstairs in the bedroom. I know this sounds weird for a married couple to do but we both agree that we sleep better seperatly. I snore pretty loud and get up at all hours of the night. So I've got no problems with this and it works.

But, about a month ago I started noticing that she had been using the toys without me. I found this out because 1 Friday night before we went to have sex I went to the drawer to get the toys and the bullet vibrator was gone. I asked her where it was and she said in her night stand. I asked her why it was in there and she lied to me and told me that she put in there to be closer for us to get to. After a little prodding she finally told me she did use it. But, only once. It kind of bothered me that she would do this without me and lied about it but I kind of blew it off and let it go.

Since it bothered me so much I started arranging the toys in an order that I would know if they have been moved. And over the last month I've noticed she has been using them quite often without me and when I would mention something to her about it she denies doing it. So I guess I can't actually prove it but I know she has and it's been eating me up inside wondering why she would feel the need to masturbate but not want to be with me during the week!

With all of that said here is my question:

I would like to approach her about Wednesdays maybe we do a quick masturbation session with each other. As I mentioned before she only wants to have sex on the weekends and I want to respect her decision with this and don't want to make her mad if I ask. But It's driving me crazy knowing she uses them with out me and when she uses the toys It turns me on to no end.

So bottom line ladies do you think I should ask her to do this on Wednesday's to try and help break up the week for me? Or do you think I should just try and let it go so it doesn't effect our weekend sex?

This has been bothering me for sometime now and could really use some good advice! This is the first time I've ever posted on a forum but I've got no one else to ask advice from.

So any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm thinking of asking her tonight so if someone could reply quickly that would be great!

[Virgo]

Masturbation and sex are different things to many women. When I masturbate, it isn't because I want to have sex, or because I miss my boyfriend or whatever. It's because I want to do something very intimate and personal on my own. Sex with my boyfriend is wonderful, but it isn't at all the same thing.

I'm not going to make any judgements on how you and your partner live your lives, but is the idea of scheduling your sexual encounters like that working for you? I can't imagine it feels very sexy or romantic to know that you MUST have sex twice a week, and it MUST happen on a wednesday, etc.

Have you talked to your wife about why she doesn't feel like having sex very often? Have you asked if there's anything you can do to make it more sensual or romantic for her? Have you tried being more spontaneous or affectionate?

[Ann Andriani]

Hello Frustrated!

It sounds like you're experiencing a difference in libido and desire like so many other couples do. I applaud you for communicating with your wife about it and even exploring toys. My guess is there was something your wife wasn't getting out of sex before the toys that she has now found with the toys, if she's been more excited to have sex with you on the weekends. I'm not sure how sex went before, but vibrators can be a great addition to sex since many intercourse positions do not naturally provide an adequate amount of clitoral stimulation to bring many women to orgasm. Plus vibrators can provide that constant, consistent vibrations that a hand, mouth or tongue can not, also important in helping some women orgasm. So you've made some changes and it sounds like they're working. Good for you!

I know she has and it's been eating me up inside wondering why she would feel the need to masturbate but not want to be with me during the week!

Here is where I agree with Virgo, that masturbation and sex with a partner are two different things. Masturbation is important, it is a way for a person to explore their body and pleasure themselves in pressure-less and stress-free conditions. You're acting as if your wife shouldn't be masturbating and that all sex is be done together and that's just not the case. In fact, the more she masturbates on her own the better sex you'll both have. It doesn't mean you're not pleasuring her. It sounds like she looks forward to weekend sex and has fun with it, and that's the sign that she enjoys it.

You also said:

So during the week in order to full fill myself I have to masturbate. I hate doing this because I would much rather be with her but I have to make do.

It seems your view on masturbation is quite negative. I understand you would rather be with her, but when it's not possible to be with her and you really have the need for sexual release, then masturbation is the way to go. Masturbation is not just for people who can't get any sex. Masturbation should not be a last resort, it should be a regular part of a person's sex life along with partner sex.

Mutual masturbation can be a great night of sex. Larry and I do it a lot, especially if our careers keep us busy and we're really tired. Not all couples feel comfortable with it, some people are self-conscious about it. I love putting on the show and watching him. It seems like you feel the same way, however, I would not make her feel like she should be doing it in front of you instead of alone, that's got a creepy, controlling feel to it. And the fact that you're setting them up in a manner to keep track of it like she's cheating worries me too. Masturbation is not cheating, you don't have to experience every sexual moment she has. I understand that you love her and are attracted to her and want to be with her in this way, but masturbation is not wrong. She's not choosing it over you. She may be releasing some sexual tension during the week when she's too tired to have sex with you, partner sex takes more work, then quickly rubbing one out. She may also be exploring herself, learning what makes her tick and I'm sure you'll benefit from that during sex with her.

If she lied to you about masturbating, something made her feel she should. Maybe it was the way you questioned her about it? Could simply be the words you used or the way you asked it? Instead of questioning her about it, why don't you tell her how hot it is to hear that she's doing it and you'd love to see it. Be encouraging and excited about it and you may find she'll want to share it with you. Be disgusted and offended about it and she'll only hide her "naughty" (in a bad way) deed from you.

Also, showing interest in what you're wife wants, desires and fantasizes about is guaranteed to get results. So far in this post, we've only heard about what you want from her. It's been very one-sided so far. Have you shown interest in what she likes?

Ann

[Ann Andriani]

Originally Posted by Virgo

...I'm not going to make any judgements on how you and your partner live your lives, but is the idea of scheduling your sexual encounters like that working for you? I can't imagine it feels very sexy or romantic to know that you MUST have sex twice a week, and it MUST happen on a wednesday, etc...

I don't agree with avenue of thought. Sex doesn't have to be spontaneous to be romantic, hot or fun. Couples have many romantic, hot and fun SCHEDULED sexual encounters. I would think that by scheduling sex on the weekends, she knows when it's going to happen. She can prepare for it. By that I mean getting something sexy to wear for it, any supplies they may need for the night, find a babysitter to get the kids out of the house. Or simply just to get all her stuff done, be it for career, family, house, etc. so she can relax. This activity has been scheduled, so she knows she's got time for it and she shouldn't be doing something else.

It's tough having sex with kids, sometimes you have to schedule it to make it happen. It doesn't matter how you make it happen, as long as both partners agree to it. Also, when it's scheduled it's not that anticipation of WILL it happen, you know it will, so it's the anticipation of it happening again... and to be honest, that's hot!

Ann