- Trouble - (Erectile Difficulties)

Name: Saint Mic Date: September 2002

I've recently started seeing a new, insanely beautiful woman, who i have been thinking about a lot for some time. We've been talking about getting together for months, but finally managed it a few weeks ago.
Last week we went away on an organized trip for a few nights and planned to take the advantage of separate rooms by sleeping together (makes sense doesn't it). She was a virgin, but I'd had sex before with my previous girlfriend.
While with my previous girlfriend, I'd occasionally gone through periods of days to weeks where I was totally unable to get, let alone sustain an erection when we were trying to make love, and I put it down to fatigue/nerves/anything. Whatever it was, I thought it wouldn't be a problem with my new girlfriend (I find her incredibly attractive and although I loved my previous girlfriend, it was her looks that had attracted me to her), but it was in the back of my mind that it may be, and then low and behold - commeth the hour, not commeth the erection.

I've already guessed I'm not a sex driven male, I'm more a hug bloke, but should either of us fancy a quick romp in the hay, as it were, it would be nice to think that I would be able to play along. To be honest, I'm really starting to get quite paranoid about it, and I cant imagine it makes my girlfriend feel very good about herself or me either. I've told her its a problem I've had for a while but I think she still thinks its something to do with her.

Is there anything I can do about this? I've been trying to get a lot more sleep so I'm not tired, but it makes no difference. I've tried not to worry, but again it doesn't seem to work. What would you suggest I do? Please help, or else I may decide enough is enough and just become a monk.

- My Advice - (Erectile Difficulties)

Well, I can already tell that you're putting a ton of pressure on yourself which isn't going to help your situation. Are you on any antidepressant medication? Or any medications at all? There are a surprising amount that do give men erectile difficulties. It doesn't sound like you over consume alcohol, that causes problems as well. How about your lifestyle...is it sedentary or are you active? Do you exercise regularly? Diet and exercise has a lot to do with it too.

One thing that's great is you've already talked to your g/f about it. Most men can't do that, so you've taken quite a step there. (I'm very proud of you. )

You do need the support of your g/f. She has to put her insecurities aside and believe that it's not her, if you say it's not her and help you through you this. Because once you have a good experience the weight will be lifted off your shoulders and chances are, you may not find yourself experiencing the difficulties. You just have to get to that point.

Do you have trouble getting an erection from the start or do you lose your erection, when you have to put on a condom or when the attention is put on you? Does she give you oral sex? Does that get you erect? I may need more details to help narrow down the cause, but then again I'm not a doctor, so I can only help you so much.

Do you have any trouble getting an erection when you masturbate? If so, then you don't really have an erectile problem. Then it does have to do with you in your relationship.

I hope this helps shed some light for you.

Name: Saint Mic Date: September 2002

Hello there.

Guess what? I still have my problem. I just found out after a rather embarrassing evening with Lucy that indeed the Gremlins remain. I’m not on any medication (although some might suggest I should be, as I do tend to get a little hyper at times). I was on some tablets a while ago which had “erectile deficiency” listed among the side affects, but I stopped taking them quite some time, over a year ago, in fact. I hardly drink at all, although the nights last week were after 3 bottles of Carlsberg each time, but tonight was nothing like that. All I’d had was a walk and a slice of Lemon Meringue pie. I don’t drink much. I’m not a total fitness freak, but I can see my feet when I’m lying down. I played soccer for an hour on Monday night, which was quite energetic, I don’t eat more than I should and I walk a lot, so I’d say I’m quite healthy. I did have Glandular Fever in the summer of 2001, and the doctor said it can mess things up for a couple of years – don’t know if that’s got anything to do with it or not.

I appreciate the proud ness! I don’t see the point in lying about it, I mean she knows something’s up (or not, as the case may be) so there’s little point in trying to make out nothings wrong. She is being supportive but I feel like I’m really letting her down.

When I was with Elaine I had this problem once in a while (I remember we went away on a dirty weekend, which turned out to be something of a non event. Whoops!) but it didn’t usually last this long. I honestly don’t masturbate that much, but I did on Monday and all systems were go, so I thought that maybe it had sorted itself out. I was getting erections throughout the day everyday this week until yesterday, and now its gone wrong again.

I have trouble from the start, yes. Although I don’t have a great track record when it comes to condoms either, they tend to do nasty things to me. I suggested mutual masturbation tonight under the bed cover to see if I could at least try to kick start the thing into life, but she’d climaxed before I was anywhere close to anything, which somewhat put me off as a I felt a bit odd then. She did go down on me for a while when we were away last week, it helped a little but not much. Though the condom was the killer then.

I think it is a relationship thing. I have never considered myself the type that could have one night stands, and I think we all know why now! I trust Lucy and do want to make love to her, but something seems to be trying to prevent it. And as she’s a virgin I think I should try to be as erect as possible for the first time, as there are certain boundaries which need to be broken which I know I would prefer to just get over with were I the woman.

Thanks for the advice, hope this information helps more.

Name: Dakkon79 Date: September 2002

Saint Mic, I have the same problem and it's really REALLY pissing me off. I keep trying to assure my girlfriend that it's all me but I still think she's getting really frustrated. I'm not sure what to do myself, I considered going to a doctor because I thought something was wrong. I'm even considering buying some herbal medication that is supposed to help you with that kind of problem.

I'm not sure what exactly makes it happen, I mean I can be rock solid while we are engaging in foreplay but once everything comes off I get soft in minutes. But the funny thing is she can give me a hand job whenever but once I start to orally please her or in other ways I get soft.

Just thought I'd say you aren't alone and I'm pissed off too!

I think all this pressure you have put on yourself to perform is causing most of your problems. A similar thing just happened to me. I've been having some family dilemmas on both my side of the family and my boyfriends. All their problems have had me so stressed out, besides my general day to day. But I did feel like my relationship with my mother was completely fading and had been for a while. Now my family has always been very strong, so this has been hell for me to go through. Anyway, my boyfriend and I started to get intimate one night and I couldn't get aroused, not for anything. If I was a man, I would've never gotten an erection. And I tried, I really did and I just couldn't do it, so I pleasured him and called it a night, but didn't really say anything because I thought it was a one time thing.

Well, the next time it happened again. And I started to get concerned and now there was no way I was going to get aroused, I was already stressing. So I pleasured him again and then told him about my dilemma. He was very cool about it and knows the stress I've been under.

So then, I figured that since I shared this with him, next time will be a breeze.....NO WAY, EVEN MORE DIFFICULT BECAUSE OF THE FEAR I HAD DEEP WITHIN MY MIND THAT IT WOULD HAPPEN AGAIN...AND IT DID!

So now, my night of passion turned into a night of tears. My boyfriend reassured me that it's just stress and it's no big deal, but no! Not me! I mean, I give people sex advice, I write about having a better sex life, this can't happen to me. Am I now after 14 years unattracted to him? What's wrong with me?

Stress is what was wrong with me. I had to deal with the issues of my family and my boyfriend's family. Had to realize that their problems are not my problems. I must just support these people and let them know that I'm there for them and that I love them. And for once, I have to let up on myself. I am the most critical person to myself, we usually all are, and have to allow myself to make mistakes and have difficult times. It wasn't till I made total peace with myself that I was able to relax a little more that I would be able to enjoy intimacy again.

Now once I made peace with all these issues, I realized that I love my boyfriend dearly and he is super sexy and does get me hot. I was just loosing focus due to all the stress. So when we did try the intimacy thing again, but there was no focus on anyone having an orgasm. And when we started playing I told him I was nervous and we took things real slow and he even told me that I shouldn't think about having an orgasm, just relax and enjoy what I'm feeling and after I did relax a little, it happened! It felt good and I even reached orgasm.

Now what was the point to my long drawn out story? That stress from anywhere about anything, can creep in a wreak havoc on your sex life, even if it has nothing to do with sex. And now, since you haven't really searched yourself to find out what your stress monster is you've entered the vicious cycle. You're so wound up about this that sex is probably impossible to you now.

How in depth have you spoken to your g/f about this? Does she even realize the magnitude of heartache you're going through about this? You do find her exciting correct? You are still attracted to her? Search yourself now...

How about a night of just giving her total pleasure? Show her how wonderful she is for understanding your situation and lay her down and give her pleasure. Maybe by showing yourself that you can give her real pleasure without having intercourse with her, you'll build up your sexual self esteem. And trust me, you need some reassurance right now. If you know that you don't need your penis to pleasure her, there won't be so much pressure put on it. I'm sure that will help things. And after she's pleasured, if you really think you are excited enough, masturbate yourself for her to see. Trust me it will be exciting. And if you are really really excited, but don't want to get your penis in the game, don't. It was a night for her. No woman will turn that down.

But, you've got to get to the bottom of this. Seeing a doctor never hurts. Get a couple of opinions if you have to, but do something to get closure. Freaking out about it is only making the situation worse. You've got to deal with this stress monster and you've got to let your g/f in on the magnitude of this problem. If she really cares, she won't judge you or make you feel guilty, she'll want to help you. In fact, bring her to the doctor with you, so she can be in on this. Handling sexual problems does concern both partners and if both partners are in it together a solution can be found much quicker than if one of them is in the dark. Here I'd like you to take a look at an artilce I've written on Better Sex Through Communication. I think it will really help you here.

Good luck
Ann

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