- Trouble - (Difficult Ejaculation)

Sex Advice Archive Summer 2001

Name: Peter Date: October 2001

I am a male in my 50s who has a very high libido. I have no problem getting and maintaining a good erection but my problem occurs when I ejaculate. While the semen used to shoot out it now seems to have difficulty coming out and it is only after several contractions does it ooze out. I am wondering what might cause this because it does diminish my pleasure of the orgasm.

- My Advice - (Difficult Ejaculation)

Most men in their late forties and fifties usually notice a change in their
sexual responses. Some men may notice that the angle and hardness of their erections diminish or they may also feel less intense orgasms. Men in their fifties usually need direct stimulation of the penis in order to achieve erection rather than just visual or mental stimulation. Men may also ejaculate with less force which is why your orgasm feels less intense. Men also tend to experience a decline in testosterone levels from age 45 to 70. So what you're experiencing doesn't sound abnormal, it's just part of getting older.

The important thing is that you and your partner, if you're in a relationship, don't let it get you down. You may need some more foreplay time and that's definitely not a bad thing. You have a very high libido and can still easily obtain and maintain a strong erection, so that's a plus. It's important to still stay sexually active. If you have or even if you don't have a partner, masturbation will help you to maintain your sex drive because sexual activity aids in the production of testosterone.

Also, don't stress about it, stress can cause anxiety which can also give you problems even getting an erection. One thing that might help keep some intensity to your orgasm is a cock ring. A cock ring is placed snugly around the base of the penis. It restricts blood flow out of the penis helping men to maintain a longer and stronger erection, which in turn results in a more intense orgasm. Our sponsor, Sextoys411.com, sells a rubber erection ring with a slip adjuster. All you have to do is slide it down to the base of your penis and slide the adjuster until the ring feels snug. That may give you a more intense orgasm.

I do suggest though, that you go for a complete physical and let the doctor know what you're experiencing. Middle aged men have been known to develop prostate problems, so you should schedule a visit just to make sure you're in tip top shape.

- Trouble - (Strap-on Dilemma)

Name: Dave Date: September 2001

How can I approach my wife about her using a strap-on device on me? I believe that she would probably find it to be a homosexual tendency and freak out but I really have a strong fantasy of this act. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

- My Advice - (Strap-on Dilemma)

The concern you have is more popular among men then you realize. Many men have the desire to be penetrated, but do fear that their partner, friends and/or associates will respond negatively to such a request. But there is nothing wrong with it. Having your partner penetrate you via fingers, toy, hand, tongue or penis is an act of incredible intimacy.

In your particular case, I don't know your wife so I really don't know how she'll respond to such a request. If you have very open communication about sex with your wife, it may be something that you can bring up and discuss with no problem. That is up to you to decide. What I can tell you is that whenever or however you do bring up the topic to your wife there are a few things to keep in mind:

Be compassionate to your wife's possible confused feelings.
Try to put yourself in your wife's shoes, especially if this request is coming out of nowhere.
Remember you want her to want to do this too, that's what will make it fun, so don't pressure her.
Wait until you are both relaxed and not involved in sexual activity when you bring up this topic.

I have written an article that discusses how to introduce anal toys to your partner. Since using a strap-on does deal with anal penetration in your case, this article is very informative for your particular situation. If you'd like to read this article, please visit:

There is also a wonderfully informative book on using strap-ons and incorporating them into partner play called, "The Ultimate Guide to Strap-On Sex: A Complete Resource for Women and Men" by Karlyn Lotney

- Trouble - (Multiple Orgasms)

Name: Brad Date: August 2001
How do you get a girl to achieve multiple orgasms?

- My Advice -

There is no actual technique to make a woman have multiple orgasms. Also, keep in mind that not every woman is capable of having multiple orgasms. But by multiple orgasms do you mean one right after another, happening very closely together in time? Or do you mean having more than one orgasm during a sexual encounter? It is more possible to give a woman more than 1 orgasm in a sexual encounter than it is for her to have one right after the other.

Either way, the key to it is to not stop the stimulation once the orgasm happens. For many couples, orgasm stands for the end of play, hence when the woman orgasms all play stops. Sometimes if you keep some type of stimulation going, you can quickly build her back up again, resulting in another orgasm.

However, if a woman is not capable of this, it doesn't make her any less of a woman or any less sexually exciting. So never pressure a woman, that can not do this. Also keep in mind that some women after orgasm find any kind of stimulation or touch on the genitals to be annoying. So always take that into account too.

I wish I could have given you some magical technique that would do it, but it's really the woman, how susceptible she is to it and if you keep the stimulation going once she starts to orgasm.

- Trouble - (Can't Ejaculate With Her)

Name: Tim Date: August 2001

My girlfriend has recently been giving me blow jobs and hand jobs, these have been my first times for both. But the thing is, I can't ejaculate. It's as if I can hold out for a really long time, so we just stop after a while. I think that it is because I masturbate so much faster and I am not used to the speed. What should I do?

- My Advice -

It doesn't sound like you have a problem. If you can ejaculate when you masturbate, you don't really have an ejaculation problem. Most women don't realize that men need to be handled a little more rougher and firmer than they themselves like to be touched. I did the same thing for the longest time with my boyfriend. I would touch him ever so gently, but we have clear and open communication about sex, and he let me know that I needed to grab the penis more firmly. Men's skin is tougher than women's so men like the feel of a firmer grip.

And many women have the same complaint as men, that they're touch is too rough. Maybe you can try explaining this to your girlfriend. Tell her something like, you really love the fact that she gives you blowjobs and hand jobs. Point out the things you like about what she does. Something like, "I love the way you start so gently and tease my manliness. It gets
me so hot, but after a while can you start to hold on tighter and go a little faster?" or if talking about it isn't an option, don't worry many couples can't discuss it at all.

Do you engage in mutual masturbation? Ask her to masturbate in front of you, tell her you want to see how she likes to pleasure herself, that may lead to her asking to see you masturbate and then you'll be showing her what you like. If you're uncomfortable with that is there any way that while she's giving you a hand job, you can softly guide her hand to grab harder or move faster? I'm not sure how open the communication is in your relationship about sex which is why I'm giving you a variety of answers.

Sex is the most difficult thing for couples to discuss because they don't want to hear that they're not pleasing their partner. But if you can discuss it and you are very gentle about it and compliment your girlfriend on the things she does really well, then you might be able to successfully talk about. Just never start off a conversation with, "I don't like it when you..."or "It doesn't feel good when you."...or "you don't know how to do this right"...Those kinds of phrases can be very hurtful. So be compassionate. For more information on how to talk about sex please click on that link to our informational site, AllSexGuide.com.

Tell her you thought you had a problem ejaculating so you did some research. Explain to her that want to try something different this time when you both engage in oral/manual stimulation. Make it like an experiment. Tell her you read that if the girl grabs harder and applies more pressure and maybe strokes faster, that men find it very pleasurable. Tell her you'd like to see if that works. Make it seem like it might be you and not her in the beginning. If she goes for it and you do ejaculate, then of course she'll want to do what she just did all the time. But ask for feedback from her. Find out how you can please her better too. Remember everyone loves a humble man. And I'm sure you don't know everything about pleasing her either.

I hope some of this helps you. I have given you a variety of ways to handle this, but it is up to you and the knowledge you have of the boundaries of your relationship and personality of your girlfriend to decide which method is best for your problem.

- Trouble - (Butt Plugs)

Name: Mike Date: August 2001

What are butt plugs and how do they work? Please explain them and their benefits.

- My Advice -

I have written a ton of information about butt plugs, how to use them, how to incorporate them into partner sex, myths and misconceptions all at our sister site: Sextoys411.com. You can find all the articles that will answer your question at the following website address: All About Anal Toys

- Trouble - (Problem Having Orgasm)

Name: Arian Date: August 2001

Hi, I have wrote to you to ask you about getting an orgasm. My problem is that I got my first boyfriend nine months ago. After seven months we both agreed we were mature enough and ready to have sex. However, because of my race and my parents I was never allowed to take any sex classes, so I was and still am clueless about the topic sex and everything that has to do with it. My partner has had sex once only with a different person, he too was still clueless. When we had sex the first time I thought that I would get a good feeling I never had gotten before, but it hurt. I know that's because he opened me up and it didn't feel as good as it sounded to be. After about 30 min, my partner said he was about to bust, but I had no feelings that I was getting close to my orgasm. My partner has agreed that he will not have one until I get mine. So far we have done it about 8 times but still I have not had orgasm. The longest we have done it was 1hr and 30 minutes, so time is not a problem. I was hoping you can give me a good advice on what I may be doing wrong and how I can fix it.

- My Advice -

I understand your frustration and unfortunately many women experience the same dilemma you are experiencing now. Many women can not achieve orgasm through intercourse alone. Most women, including myself, need extra stimulation before orgasm is achieved. Here's a couple of things to ask yourself.

Do you feel like you've engaged in enough foreplay before you have intercourse?
Sometimes if a woman isn't adequately aroused, intercourse may not feel pleasurable. Next time you and your boyfriend get intimate, don't rush into the intercourse. Take your time and really get each other excited (i.e. oral sex, kissing, fondling and massaging)

Are you lubricated enough?
If a woman is not adequately lubricated herself, which most women are not, you may need to use a personal lubricant like Wet, Eros, ID or Astroglide. If a woman is not well lubricated intercourse can also be uncomfortable and even painful, because you're both rubbing two non lubricated surfaces together causing an unpleausurable friction. So try using a personal lubricant next time you have intercourse.

Have you ever rubbed or touched your clitoris or has your boyfriend ever during intercourse?
I ask this because many women do not realize what a wonderfully sensitive body part it is. The clitoris is strictly a sexual organ. It is not used for anything else but sexual pleasure. The clitoris is located where the inner lips meet. The clitoris is made out of erectile tissue similar to that of the glans of the penis and is very richly supplied with nerve endings.

If you have not tried this type of stimulation, then next time give it a shot. Here's what you can do:
Lubricate your fingers or your boyfriend's fingers and lightly rub the clitoris. I say lightly because some women are very sensitive there. Make sure you are somewhat aroused before you do this, that way it's not too much stimulation all at once. So some women like their clitorises rubbed.

Others like to use a vibrator because it provides a constant consistent form of stimulation that may difficult for hands or a tongue to keep up with. If this interests you, a basic slimline vibrator is all you need to give it a shot.

Here's another question. Have you ever masturbated? Have you ever brought yourself to orgasm? If not, you should probably start. It's nothing to feel dirty or shameful about, everyone does it, or at least everyone should. Anyway, masturbating helps one to learn about themselves and how they like to be touched. It's important for you to know your own body and how you like to be touched because your boyfriend does not know that. The better you know yourself, the more you can share those things with him and the better he can pleasure you. You should also know about him and he should be telling you how he likes to be touched.

Have you two ever masturbated in front of each other?
That's also a wonderful way for you to both learn how the other likes to be pleasured. There's nothing wrong with that either. There's many couples out there, including myself and my boyfriend, who consider a great night of sex to be masturbating together.

I think some solutions to your problem is if you're not masturbating to start. And do it alone at first. This is your time to learn about your body. Just give yourself some free time, to explore yourself. Touch your genitals and see what feels good. There's no right or wrong to sex, just do what feels good. Once you learn about your body, you'll have a much better time.

Don't look at orgasm as the goal of sex. A sexual encounter doesn't always have to end with orgasm and that shouldn't be what it's all about. Most couples put too much emphasis on orgasm and that's not healthy. Sex is about two people having fun together and pleasing each other sexually. There have been times when I have not had an orgasm after sex, but I still feel fulfilled. So don't pressure yourself too much, because that will cause you to not have one too.

If you find you like clitoral stimulation, then maybe try a vibrator. Many many women use them, I have a huge collection myself. There's so many kinds, 1 for every occasion and situation. And use it during intercourse. Most times, it's the only way I can have an orgasm. If you'd like more information on vibrators, please visit our sister site Sextoys411.com. I have written many articles on vibrators, so there's more information at Sextoys411.com

I know this is an absolute ton of information right off the bat and I've tried to condense a lot of it to get right to the point. If you have any other questions just let me know.

But keep in mind, you've just started having sex, so there's so much to learn and experience. Go easy on yourself and don't let anyone pressure you about anything. It's very nice that your boyfriend wants to wait to have his orgasm too, but maybe he should have one if he's about to. That could be additional pressure that you don't need either. I know I would be pressured if I knew my boyfriend was holding back an orgasm waiting for me to have one.

And if you're both thinking that you'll have this wonderful simultaneous orgasm together, the chances of that are very slim, especially if you're both new to having sex with each other. Besides, if you have an orgasm together, you'll miss seeing it. The best part about having orgasms at different times is that you get to see it happen, see the pleasure that you're giving your lover. That's 100 times better than having one together. The movies make it seem so cool, but you're not missing anything. Good luck and be patient. It will happen and it will be wonderful.

- Trouble - (Need A Sex Position)

Name: "Bill" Date: July 2001

Hello, my name is Bill and the "size" I'm having a problem with isn't below the waist. My problem is that sex for my wife is almost painful since I am MUCH bigger than she is. I am over a foot taller than she is and outweigh her by probably 80 pounds. We have tried various positions and none of them work well due to the height difference. My wife would like to be on top but because she is so small her legs won't spread enough and he knees can't reach on either side of me. She also has problems with her knees so the "squatting" doesn't work for her either. PLEASE tell me something simple that we can do. She gets more pleasure on top and I enjoy that position best as well.

- My Advice -

There are many couples out there that experience this problem. As long as a gynecologist has found nothing physically wrong with your wife, than she may just be on the smaller side. There's nothing wrong with it, you just have to work with it. And it sounds like you've tried. So here's something that I have suggested to others that have seemed to help.

There is an item called the Senso Lips. It's main use is as a masturbatory toy for men. It's a jelly toy that has a canal that's lined with ribs and as your penis slides in and out the ribs, you feel a sucking sensation. Now it is a wonderful toy for that, but it can also be cut in half, so it's not as long, slid down to the base of your penis and it will now act as a bumper, so you don't penetrate your wife so completely. And what's nice about this is as long as you have the Senso lips to act as a bumper, you can use any position without fear of hurting her.

So if you get the Senso Lips, start out by cutting it in half, not long ways, cut it so that you haven't destroyed the canal. Don't use the end with the nose and lips, use the other end. Slide it down to the base of your penis and give it a try. If you want to trim it a little more later, than do that. A small price for a quick and easy solution to a big problem. But if you're wife has not seen a gynecologist and discussed this problem with him, I would do that first. Just to make sure everything is okay physically.

- Trouble - (Anal Sex Concern)

Name: "Lynn" Date: July 2001

I experienced anal sex (fully) for the first time the other night. I knew that he should have washed himself before doing this, but my lover went immediately from anal to vaginal sex that night. I've already made an appt for the clinic b/c I figure a vaginal infection is inevitable. can you give me some input? thanks!

- My Advice -

I'm glad to hear you already made an appointment for the clinic. You may very well get a vaginal infection from that. When fecal matter gets into the vagina, it will definitely cause an infection. Next time, here's what you do:

When you have anal sex, make sure your boyfriend is wearing a condom. It's cleaner and more sanitary for him too. Luckily for him, when he urinates and ejaculates he cleans his pipes out. We women take a little longer. Anyway, make sure he wears a condom for anal sex, then when you're ready to have vaginal sex, just pull off the condom. Keep a towel handy before you even start to get intimate. After he pulls off the condom, have him wipe himself off and you wipe yourself off, then go into vaginal sex. If he wants to put another condom on for vaginal sex, that's even better!

Many couples are afraid to stop the activity that's going on because it might ruin the mood. It won't if you don't let it! Grab the towel and wipe him off. Talk dirty to him while it's going on. Either that or wipe yourself off first and then maybe rub yourself for him to see while he's cleaning off and applying another condom. However you handle it, think of it like this. Stopping to wipe off and remove and/or apply another condom is quicker than the 7days or more that you will have to wait for an infection to clear up. Good Luck and play safely.

To learn more about anal sex, check out my articles: Anal Sex Intro | Guide to Anal Sex

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